This kind of love...

So I am driving home tonight after an evening out with a friend of mine. We talked alot about life and what is going on. Anyway, on my way home this song is playing on the way home... "This Kind of Love". A beautiful song by Sister Hazel. I can relate... I felt that way once and I felt sad. I did feel that way and now I don't, not any more. That is the way I felt with X... Hmmph! Not the whole time, believe me but the heart has a way of forgetting all of the bad and remembering the good, oh well.
But where do I go from here? Where do I find that again, only better? My heart is closed for buisness and walled up and I wonder those on a daily basis! I want Prince Charming, the butterflies, and all of the hub-bub that goes along with it but... I am terrified to let it in. There I said it, I don't want to risk it for all of that hurt and pain again (now the weight loss was nice ;-) ) . I guess I am just stuck in limbo for now... I listen to love songs and dedicate them to Bug because God forbid there be anyone else. I (try to) keep myself safe for what... to listen to songs like this and remember, dream, or worse, to take a chance?
This may not have made sense to you... it is late and I'm tired but hey, it is what it is.

Time heals....

Sorry it has been a while, been busy at work, at home, in my head. Lots going on. I had some peace this weekend but I will get to that later.
Where to begin, hmm, well I will just start here. I was rather unsettled last week. A friend of mine misread my friendship and now maybe ruined it. I won't get into the details but it was childish and he is giving me no space to breath. I can't handle that... I need my space. We will see what happens.
On the other hand, I have made a new friend. I will leave it at that, there is nothing more to say but he is funny and I smile when I hear from him.
There was some 'activity' in a rather stag net area of my life lately. Get your mind out of the gutter!! I am being vague here on purpose, you know what they say about all of your eggs in one basket. This would help to turn a page in my life but one thing I read recently was "if you want to really know someone then get a divorce". What a brilliant and insightful person. It wasn't through marriage that I grew to know who my ex and his family really were, it was this past year when their true colors shone through. I am not talking about the ex here but his father. I won't go any further but, I will leave you with this... always listen to that 'feeling' inside that talks to you, it doesn't lie.
I have been doing a little looking inside recently. I know that there are some changes that I need to make. And yes, I did just wake up one day and decide this, actually, I went to bed and thought of this. But I did tell myself that it doesn't happen all at once and it is ok to take one step back every once in a while, I am only human. At church on Sunday they started a series on taking care of and healing your heart. And as hard as it was to pay attention with an antsy toddler the sermon really struck a chord. I won't go into the details but there was one specific thing that the priest said... "One will say, 'I am cynical, distant, and sarcastic because I have been hurt so bad. That is why I am the way I am. You would be too if you walked in my shoes.' And the other person will respond, 'I see, but how long will it take you to get over it' hand them a calendar 'when will you stop hurting and start healing. In a week, in a month, in a year? When you are healing you will have no reason to be that way.'"
Well, it has been over a year, to be honest, I don't know how long I have been hurting but I am trying to heal. I want don't want to have arguments and conversations in my head because I am afraid to have them out loud. I don't want to use slander as a way to make myself feel better. I don't even want to think that way anymore.
I was driving to a friends house the other day and Bug was napping in the back, as C said... a Calgon moment, and I was listening to the radio and was thinking healing my heart. A song came on the radio, Stealing Cinderella, and I just cried. I wasn't sad, I was so happy. I looked at the angel in my rear view mirror sleeping so peacefully and I had that same feeling I did a little over two years ago when I held her as an infant. I was overwhelmed, it was amazing. Later that night on my home... I turned the radio down just to listen to her exhausted little snores. How lucky am I?
Time heals you just have to be ready for it, right?