Update... I am falling apart...

Today, it is the truth I am falling apart inside and out!! But first let me catch you up to speed. Thanks to all of the notes of encouragement, I truly appreciate it! Since my last post I have discussed custody with X... What it boils down to is this... He is fine the way things are but "family" wants more definition to guarantee that he (they) can see Bug when ever they want. If it came from his parents... piss on them, have I ever given them any reason why they should think I wouldn't? If it is coming from the minister... piss off! This is none of her damn business! If it is anyone else... BUTT OUT! And by the way, shame on him for being ok with sub-par, but then again things have been going on like this for so long why change now, right? Anyway, my lawyer is working on something now, wish me luck!
Now on to this week's drama because what would a week in my life be like without drama? I don't know, it has been so long! Yesterday morning I got an email from X and the subject line was "moving". Now take your time with this one, its good... He was writing to let me know that he and the minister will be moving into his parents house this weekend so that they can save money so that they can move closer to Bug because that is the most important thing he can do... have Bug close to her daddy. This decision came as the only way they could all come up with to deal with his finances. But don't worry, hopefully this won't interfere with me bringing Bug to visit them. Minister will go and stay with X's brother and wife while we are in town. Oh, and if I want to talk to him about this we can when Bug calls him next.
I went through a rainbow of sailor-worthy words and emotions after reading said email. And no, I did not break anything (yet). Also, I didn't discuss anything with him, what the hell is there to say. My father said it perfect last night when he said... "And I thought that his parents were smart people." Me too Dad, me too! But I did come up with a suggestion for them and their financial dilemma... GET A FUCKING JOB YOU LAZY SOB!!! You really will be able to save much more money that way, but hey, its just a thought! And how in the world can ever stay at his parents house again or even look at them for that matter. I've lost respect for them.
So, last night/ this morning I was laying in bed (from 2am-4am) probably still fuming from this email and I had a vision... The minister is pregos. Now I don't know for sure (it would be par for the course) but it was almost like a vision from... God. Yesterday during my counseling session (aka: my phone call to TX) I pretty much guessed that they are just waiting for the divorce papers to be signed so they can run off and get hitched but this prego thing actually made my stomach hurt but enough about my visions.
Why I am falling apart.... I assumed yesterday that he will be the death of me and he is trying to make me as crazy as he is. I must be having a break down, right? But this morning I end up breaking a bottle and cutting my hand at work which sends me to the hospital for three hours to them be glued up and sent back to work. Ugh! And as if that isn't enough I have already spilled acid on myself today, broken my coffee mug, and dropped a tray of plastic tubes. I think I need to put socks over my hands and go back to bed for the rest of the day... What do you think?

Well, I am back...

And I am about as unscathed as possible! Lets face it, going into the battle fields, I knew ahead of time that I would come out with at least a few bumps and bruises.
Bug was so happy to see her grandparents and she squealed with delight when she saw her daddy when she saw him waiting for her. It was really hard but I managed to put my cynical self on the shelf, I didn't even roll my eyes once (ok, probably a few times, but it was by accident, I promise). I just kept reminding myself that this trip was for her.
The Ex
Well, he is larger than ever... for real! I would venture to say he was puffier than I was in my post delivery pictures... Now that is puffy! He pretty much did as he pleased and was rather hands off with her. I know that he is not used to be around her but he wanted me to wipe her butt for her. I looked at him and said, "Just ask her to touch her toes, it makes it easier." I did find out that he and the minister are still together. And apparently he has got a pretty free ride. They are living together and he is having enough of a time making our mortgage payments. Oh well, that is her problem to deal with. Speaking of her... Not only is she a minister that screws other people's husbands, but she drinks like a fish from what I understand. And in her denomination those Southern Ba... frown upon that! Still, that didn't ruin my weekend (kinda funny actually) what really went all over me was his complete disregard for anything I said. An udder lack of respect! For example... naps and lunch two hours late but this one was the icing on the cake... She wasn't eating all that great one day and we were talking about that. I said, "How about this, after nap, let's give her a small snack then give her a good dinner early, around 5. She will be hungry and that way she won't be so picky and she will eat some veggies." I get a blank stare and "ok". The two of them go out to the mall and Target and when they come back she is running around and won't sit down and by now it is over 4 hours since snack time, I will mention here that she also had a new Tinkerbell dress and a new Princess Arora doll. I ask her if she is hungry and she says no. I ask him if they ate anything while they were out and I then find out that yes she had a large sugar cookie of her own, then half of his, and washed it down with a Coke Icee. I tried to maintain my composure, said ok, walked upstairs and cried. And that was what my weekend was with him! The SOB is now the "fun" parent who is uninvolved and buys his daughter's love. Awesome!
The un-in-laws
Not so bad here. I knew it would happen eventually but this weekend I just didn't belong. I am now on the outside. I suppose I didn't make it better because I tried to stay as busy as possible while I was there. But even on outings the conversation lulled just a bit. I didn't let it get me down but I did say something once when his mom brought some things up. I just told her that I don't fit in any more, I am on the outside. And now no one knows quite what to say to me after they ask about my job and my family. His mom and I were having one of our heart-to-hearts one night and I finally started to tell her some of the details not only of the break-up but of the break-down of my marriage, I know it was hard for her to hear but she needed to hear it as much as I needed to say it. She said there is a little part of her that wants us back together and she asked if it would ever happen. I just said no.
The extended family
His brother and sister-in-law came over about every day to visit and see Bug. I found out that they are, actually she, is pregnant... 12 weeks to be exact. Good for them! I know that they were worried and expecting it to be hard for them to conceive. However, for me it is bittersweet. I was just telling a friend of mine last week that that is one of those hard things I am trying to come to terms with... Bug will most likely be my one and only. And that is pretty hard for me to be ok with. Now don't get me wrong, I am happy for them and my other friends that are expecting but it is just a reminder of my own situation.
His aunt and uncle were in town also and that was nice but it kind of went along with what I was saying about not fitting in. Oh well, not much I can do now.
My other fun
I was able to see my old work pals and neighbor friends. I had fun painting the town red and playing till the wee hours in the morning (damn that time change). I realized, you know it is a good friend when it only takes ten minutes to feel like nothing ever changed and no time has passed! I really had fun! A redneck Grateful Dead cover band in a smoky bar, a radio station, fried anchovies (yummy) and jealous bitches (ha!), gentleman ranchers, My Super Sweet 16 and possible rehab, Russian rock, Gregorio the goat, dance party, wine, waking a husband up with the heat, and seeing that my house isn't my home anymore .
My favorite part
Aside from seeing my friends, which was stellar! Every morning Bug would wake me up and we would cuddle up in my bed. Not much of a change from home but we had a bigger bed and no reason to get up, we were on vacation! We would talk, snooze, and tickle. That was the best! That was our time and no one else's!! That is what I get for not being the fun parent, for not buying her love. That is what I get for being involved and loving her every day with my heart. Even after three hours of sleep, that was my favorite part.
Would I do it again... of course, for her and for me. I would take those tears and awkwardness again because the good times really wiped it away. That and I know that it gets better with time.