Bizarre conversations...

I just got off the phone after having one of the oddest conversations I never thought I would ever have! I was pleasant, it was with X, and it went something like this...

ME- "Hey, you have a minute?"
X- "Yea, what's up?"
ME- "The official divorce file is in the mail on its way to you via Certified Mail. It will get there in a few days and you will need to go to the post office to sign for it."
X- "Okay."
ME- "It has to be you that signs for it or else it isn't valid."
X- "Okay."
ME- "Once you do that you have x amount of time to 'answer' it... basically you are just saying that this is mutual, those forms can be found online, printed off, and sent in. Then a hearing is scheduled that I have to go to and that should be it."
X- "Should I just bring them up at Christmas?"
ME- "No, the sooner you get them mailed the sooner everything else can be taken care of."
X- "Oh, ok just let me know where to get those forms."
Blah, blah, blah...
X- "If you get a chance can Ellie call later today?"
ME- "Sure, we will try. Anyway, just wanted to give you a heads up."
X- "Thanks."

Ok, so not only was that an odd conversation and one that i never thought I would ever have but it was also really easy and like I was asking him to DRV a show for me... Weird! I guess change is possible!

The morning after...

It is the morning after one of the most historical Presidential Elections and the 44th President Elect is Barack Obama. For months, nay, almost two years I have been involved in this presidential race and I have never once denied to anyone that I am a Democrat even though my support has shifted. And in the weeks and months leading up to this race I have become more passionate about the issues at hand.
I supported the Democratic party and Barack Obama on the issues not the fact that history would be made... He began in a modest home with a single parent. He was not given every opportunity, he worked for it!
I support alternative energy and bringing our troops home while keeping everyone safe. I am pro-choice and I worry about health care for myself and Bug, God forbid anything happen to me or my job. Stop pushing out the middle class. I embrace optimism and hope. And lets face it, it is time for a change.
I woke up yesterday morning charged! I was excited to vote because I was engaged in the race... I have a voice! Bug went with me to the polls and cast my ballot, in my gut I felt so right about my decision. I couldn't stop checking the news... my excitement never subsided. Last night I stayed up late, past the announcement, I wanted to hear Obama's speech, unfortunately my body had another thought, it was time for bed. I still wanted to run outside and pump my fists and shout from the rooftops... "WE ARE READY FOR CHANGE!!"
This morning when I woke up I couldn't turn the news on fast enough, but this was only one victory. Now it is time for the journey. Change is a commitment and something we all must do together but you know what... Yes We Can!

It started with an email...

So first off... Sorry it has been a while since the last post! Had a few things going on lately... my b-day (good times), Bugs birthday (great times) and the party that went along with it, filing for the big "D" and I don't mean Dallas, dad lost his job (again), and lets not forget... everyday life!
So here is my new deal... as you know, I am terrified of getting hurt again. I have commitment and trust issues (go figure) that I am working through. And the less available a man is then the more attracted I am. I have all but sworn off sex, not that there is any possibility of that any time soon but I have no business with any of the outcomes that can go along with it... STDs, pregnancy, etc..
In a time where I have started to master the "no-attachment" thing and "its all for fun" thing. Oh, lets not forget the "there's no second date" thing! There is someone I can't stop thinking about. It wasn't supposed to be anything more than platonic and lets not even mention the baggage, on both sides but I can't get him out of my mind!

When the bar closes down...

The other night, after a fantastic mini reunion of high school girlfriends, it was finally time to home. That was when it hit me as I turned the corner in my 4" green heels... this is the worst part of being single. Some may say it is meeting people, waiting at a bar by yourself for a date, then there is always the dreaded sleeping alone on a cold night. But no, for me it is walking back to my car, alone, after a night out. There is no safety in numbers when you are by yourself. And what if something does happen? Will there be anyone around to see? It is not just the safety issue, there is no one in the car to bitch to, laugh with, or just talk to.
I got a bit down on my walk back to the car because of these thoughts. But when I sat down and started the car the song "I Will Survive" was playing. I laughed, even thought there was no one besides me, because you know what? I will!

If a picture says 1,000 words...

Then what the hell does insensitive in-laws sending you pictures of the minister say?
I got two emails today from the x-MIL and her sister in law of picts of the new baby in the family (the WM (whore-minister) was smiling and holding the baby in one) then another group where it was the family hanging out with out of town guest and WM was grinning away in those too. Now my question is this... Why in the hell did you send these to me?? Was this necessary? I will tell you... NO! NO! NO! NO! No it was not! UGH! What a Monday!

High hopes and aspirations...

I received and email yesterday from a friend of mine and she was sharing the response her son had to the question... What do you want to be when you grow up?
Well I asked Bug last night and without missing a beat she put her hands by her head like moose antlers and said, "Taller!" I laughed and said, "I think we can make that happen!"

Get off of my ass...

So one of my biggest pet peeves is bitching and moaning! I loathe it! And yea, yea, yea some (ok, more than some) of my posts are bitching and moaning about X. I get it! But I say it is more venting and expressing my fears and concerns. I try not to bend any one's ear about it, except on the occasion that it gets pretty bad and I am having trouble dealing with said situation.
Anyway, yesterday on my way home from work to pick up Bug I got a call from (insert presidential campaign of my choice here) asking for some help canvasing along with other grassroots efforts. My first reaction was, and I actually said this to the representative, Jason... "I am a single mom and it is really hard for me to get a sitter during the days on the weekends so I really can't help. Sorry."
After hanging up the phone I was really disappointed with myself! I am trying to branch out and meet new people and push myself to do new things. And the hardest part is that I am building up the confidence to do this on my own. It is ok to not know anyone at first, even you closest friends were strangers at some point, right? Also, I have caught my self complaining about our political process and voicing my opinions concerning the economy and many other things. Damn it, I really can't stand complainers and I am turning into one!
I picked up my cell and hit redial, explained who I am and that yes I am interested in helping out. I am looking forward to Jason emailing me the details and I told him that as long as I have a heads up I will try to get a sitter!
So, I am getting off my ass and suggest the same for you, political or not... stop bitching and do something about it! Oh and btw... exercise your rights and vote!
PS- C- this isn't like the "grassroots" efforts we made at midnight during the Clinton/Dole campaign! ;-)

Damn this is a great week....

If you read my post from yesterday you already know that this week has been going... stellar! Well to top it off I woke up this morning with an amazing allergic reaction to something but now I am covered with hives and I want to crawl out of my skin!! Aaahh!! Go figure! Hopefully this weekend will bring me better luck.

To lighten the mood I bring you a funny Bug story, "Monster Spray"
The other night Bug started freaking out about the monsters in her room. This is a first, we have never encountered this problem before. It was about an half after she went to bed and moments before I turned in for the night when I heard the cries. I raced into the room, remember these are "I'm scared" screams not "I don't want to be here" cries.
"Mommy, monsters get me."
"Its ok, honey."
"I scared."
"I know, its ok t o be scared. Lets lay down. It will be ok."
"No Mommy, monsters get me."
Uuhh... (crickets chirping) me frantically trying to figure out what to do.... searching for an answer... Umm... I grab a bottle of Downey Wrinkle Release (btw... I am a huge fan) and proclaim...
"Bug, you know what this is?"
"What Mommy?"
"Monster spray. It keeps the monsters away, just like bug spray. Where do you see the monsters?"
"There, there, there, and there on your bed."
Spray, spray, spray, spray... monsters are all gone.
The next day I dumped the rest of the Downey out and replaced it with water and a few drops of lavender oil for good measure!

Update... I am falling apart...

Today, it is the truth I am falling apart inside and out!! But first let me catch you up to speed. Thanks to all of the notes of encouragement, I truly appreciate it! Since my last post I have discussed custody with X... What it boils down to is this... He is fine the way things are but "family" wants more definition to guarantee that he (they) can see Bug when ever they want. If it came from his parents... piss on them, have I ever given them any reason why they should think I wouldn't? If it is coming from the minister... piss off! This is none of her damn business! If it is anyone else... BUTT OUT! And by the way, shame on him for being ok with sub-par, but then again things have been going on like this for so long why change now, right? Anyway, my lawyer is working on something now, wish me luck!
Now on to this week's drama because what would a week in my life be like without drama? I don't know, it has been so long! Yesterday morning I got an email from X and the subject line was "moving". Now take your time with this one, its good... He was writing to let me know that he and the minister will be moving into his parents house this weekend so that they can save money so that they can move closer to Bug because that is the most important thing he can do... have Bug close to her daddy. This decision came as the only way they could all come up with to deal with his finances. But don't worry, hopefully this won't interfere with me bringing Bug to visit them. Minister will go and stay with X's brother and wife while we are in town. Oh, and if I want to talk to him about this we can when Bug calls him next.
I went through a rainbow of sailor-worthy words and emotions after reading said email. And no, I did not break anything (yet). Also, I didn't discuss anything with him, what the hell is there to say. My father said it perfect last night when he said... "And I thought that his parents were smart people." Me too Dad, me too! But I did come up with a suggestion for them and their financial dilemma... GET A FUCKING JOB YOU LAZY SOB!!! You really will be able to save much more money that way, but hey, its just a thought! And how in the world can ever stay at his parents house again or even look at them for that matter. I've lost respect for them.
So, last night/ this morning I was laying in bed (from 2am-4am) probably still fuming from this email and I had a vision... The minister is pregos. Now I don't know for sure (it would be par for the course) but it was almost like a vision from... God. Yesterday during my counseling session (aka: my phone call to TX) I pretty much guessed that they are just waiting for the divorce papers to be signed so they can run off and get hitched but this prego thing actually made my stomach hurt but enough about my visions.
Why I am falling apart.... I assumed yesterday that he will be the death of me and he is trying to make me as crazy as he is. I must be having a break down, right? But this morning I end up breaking a bottle and cutting my hand at work which sends me to the hospital for three hours to them be glued up and sent back to work. Ugh! And as if that isn't enough I have already spilled acid on myself today, broken my coffee mug, and dropped a tray of plastic tubes. I think I need to put socks over my hands and go back to bed for the rest of the day... What do you think?

Posession is 9/10 of the law...

There are a ton of things I could talk about right now... Susan Palin and the politics, my past weekend and the fact that I found out that X is a true asshole, or that good things happen to good people and no matter what we want to believe... bad things happen to good people too, or again about this past weekend and the fact that his grandmother passed away. She was a light, the type of person that brightens up a room, the type of person we all can be and want to be but aren't. Today was her funeral and tonight Bug picked up a book that she had to read before bed, we don't normally read before bed, and it was a book that her g-g-ma sent to Bug in June about being loved just the way she is. Maybe it was a coincidence but I doubt it. But that is not what I am going to write about.
Today I talked to my lawyer about finalizing this separation to a full fledged divorce and when I hung up the phone I was flustered, terrified, and unsure. It has been almost 18 months since this separation began and probably years since the drama between X and I began so why should I be the least bit upset about closing this door? I will tell you why in one word... Bug! He wants details in our paperwork about custody. When I saw him this past weekend, he wasn't himself. I mean he was but he wasn't, and just enough for me not to feel like I can predict him anymore and that is what scares me!
It is the next day now and I just emailed him... I have started talking to a lawyer and what are your ideas on custody? It took me almost an hour to press send but I finally did it. And now I wait for a response. I keep looking at the tab at the bottom of the screen to say (1 unread) and when it does my heart races, I take a deep breath, my eyes tear up and I will myself to check... it was a previous co-worker. That doesn't help because his could be the next one. I am unsure and scared. I am sitting here with a lump in my throat and it sucks! I need some fresh air and to get away from my thoughts and the computer for a bit.
I keep my fingers crossed. God, I don't want this to be a battle and I don't want him to take away my Bug for even a day. And I hate him because I know that one day he will want to and Damn It! It is not fair!

Wanna see...

When I picked Bug up from school yesterday she was wearing a tank top and shorts... This was odd for two reasons. 1) When she went to school she was wearing a dress and 2) She will only wear dresses these days! Ok, so reason #1 is not too weird but there was nothing spilled on her dress and there were no panties that needed to be cleaned, that is what made it odd. When we got home I was cleaning out her bag and I tossed her dress into the laundry and I asked Bug...
"Did you spill something on your dress today?"
"No, I show my friends my big girl pants and my teacher put shirt and shorts on me"
Now, I don't know about you but my Bug likes to tell stories. Not that this was unbelievable, it was completely believable and that kinda worried me, and also I guess I never noticed this behavior before.
So, this morning when I took her to school I saw her teacher and asked about it. She confirmed Bug's story, my tiny flasher. The only other question I had was if it was just her panties she was showing and her teacher wasn't sure... I really have my hands full with this one!

Honest with no advice...

Last night I stayed up late talking with an old friend of mine. We caught up on a lot of things then we got on the topic of dating and he confirmed what I guess I knew all along. But I think it is a universal truth that was spoken from a single man my own age... Honestly, I would think twice dating a chick with a kid, unless I, you know, already knew her. Like you and I , I already know you so that is different but I don't want to take on some one's other issues. Sorry to tell you that.
Hey, at least he was being honest. So I asked him, what do I do? Do I keep it to myself for the first date or two. I talk about work but what about the other 16 hours of the day? Do I just overlook what occupies 99% of my 'free' time? Obviously, I wouldn't chat about what happened on last night's Dora the Explorer, duh? Or do I mention it, be open and up front about it, and let them run?

A shout out to my college friends...

I want to take a minute to say thank you to all of my buddies from college, especially my sorority sisters. Back in the day I used to say I was learning more "life lessons" than academics during my higher education years. Well, I have to say, in hindsight, I was mostly right but some of the academics did sink in at some point. Back to my point... One very improntant "life lesson" was used jut the other night while assisting Bug during her time of need... the stomach virus. Let me say here that it was a very unfortunate choice of of lunches I packed for her that day, tacos and oranges. Even though she liked it, still not a good sight in rewind!
So, here is where I say thank you to all of you whom I heard praying to the porcelin gods in the community restroom after 10pm on any given weekend (sometimes during the week, too) night. Thank you to all of you I witnessed hanging out a window, over a ledge or rail, or leaning against a tree (or side of a house) heaving all of your insides out. Thank you also to any of you I had to clean up after any of those unfortunate events, like in the inside of my old Nova. I won't mention any names, ok Shitter? ;) Because of all of you and your dedicated efforts I have developed a strong stomach that was able to take having said lunch spewed on me and the bathroom and the ablility to lovingly comfort Bug while cleaning up after her. Thank you, your efforts have not gone unnoticed or unappreciated!
"I can't be hard on you 'cauz you know I've been there too..."
-"Good Intentions" by Toad the Wet Sprocket

I met the devil yesterday and he had dimples...

I came off of my xx-week gym hiatus yesterday. Wait, let me rewind a bit... I am not doing to make excuses as to why I haven't been going so I will just say I haven't been to the gym in a while. Anyway, recently I have been on edge and not able to shake it off any other way I have tried but no, that was not the breaking point. My breaking point came when I found the perfect dress for an 80's cover band show/ girl's night out. Picture this... A strapless black dress that isn't tight but definitely fits perfect with hot pink polka dots (small) all over with a black patent leather belt and I have the perfect patent leather wedge heels to go with it, I am so excited. Well, this dressing room, like all of the other God forsaken ones out there, makes the clothing look great, in turn, making you look great in it... Sold! Here is the best part... I found it at Goodwill for less than $8! So, I get home and try it on with my heels and strapless bra and, oh wait, what is that... a little puffiness by my arm fold? What won't do. Oooh, no, this is a bit more revealing than I remember too. And here comes the decision... Hmm, I need to drop about 5 lbs (the magic 5lbs we all need to loose) and this will be fabulous! Fast forward to yesterday... So yesterday was my first day back to the gym and calorie counting... I mean business; I hope I can last, the sow is 3 weeks away!
I get to the gym and change, I even remembered the combination to my lock, go me!! I heat to the elliptical trainer with a purpose, woman on a mission! Plug into Oprah and I am off!
Side note: The other day I made okra for dinner and Bug kept calling it Oprah. It was pretty funny!
Sorry, anyway, here I am ellipticaling away and I glance over to the mirror to make sure I don't look like a complete ass and OMG!! I look again, SHIT! Now it is like a freaking train wreck, I can't even will myself to look away... Damn that natural light from the windows, I saw cellulite on my thighs. Bear with me, this was the first sighting ever, so please let me be a little dramatic! I made the worst decision ever yesterday, I decided to wear shorts instead of my usual capris because of the false sense of security I had from my faint summer glow.
Well, as if I wasn't determined before, I am now. Wish me luck. But why me? Why me? Why? why? why....

Something to think about...

"He used to say soul shine,
Its better than the sunshine,
Its better than the moonshine,
Damn sure better than the rain.
Hey now people don't mind,
If we all get this way sometime,
Gotta let your soul shine.
Shine till the break of day."

-"Soulshine" by Warren Haynes

I heard this song today, its one of my favorites. It is a beautiful day outside, I slept well last night, I am in a great mood....
Its a good day!

My special friend...

Last night I asked my parents if any one of their children was as fascinated with their "pieces and parts" (aka... privates) as Bug is. Of the three of us, it was my sister. She got an orange crayon stuck in her 'gina. Don't worry, a day and a half later it came out and she proclaimed, with said crayon in her hand, "Here-d dit is!" Side note... The doctor said that once the muscles relax it will come out on its own. My brother on the other hand was much more fascinated with his nose but that is another story for another day.
This came about when Bug was exploring her neither regions with her toy dog but this is not about her 'gina it is about what my mother called vaginas, actually all privates for that matter, last night. Some call it a hoo-ha, a va-j-jay, flower, pieces and parts, girlie parts, privates, woo-wee, puthy (please don't ask), twitchet (seriously, don't ask), our goods, a woo-woo, and our personal favorite the vagina ( actually 'gina). No, not my mother! Last night she called it our special friend (I thought that was Flow... again another story in about 12 years). And according to my mother Bug is a big fan of her 'special friend'.
Lucky for us, Bug's special friend has not been hiding any toys and hopefully we can keep it that way!!

Does this make my butt look fat...

Let me start by saying that I feed my child well. Pro-veggies, whole foods, fresh fruits, lean meats, whole grain breads, ok sure, there is the occasional fish stick but the kid even eats salmon. Kudos to me!! Sweets aren't avoided but they are kept at a minimum. I even avoid the over processed juices in the juice isle, I prefer the pureed juices or the homemade ones.
But what I can't understand is why Bug's two favorite foods (I use this term loosely) are butter and toothpaste. You would think it makes it easier for "brush our teeth" time but it is always the same... a glob of toothpaste for the tooth brush and then she sticks the tube in her mouth (or scrapes some of the semi-dried stuff off from next to the dispenser) and sucks it down then we can brush away. It is either that or deal with the tears... which would you choose??
Even better though was just last night when I caught her in the fridge biting off some of a stick of butter, gross! The stick of butter always has little finger gouges out of the top. Thank God we aren't having a dinner party any time soon!!

My daughter, the cock-block...

I knew it would happen at some point and I even psyched my self up for it... it will weed out the losers. But it happened for real and not in my head! I went out on a date a week ago with GC. It was almost a blind date, he was a bartender I had been making "eyes" with and I got ballsy. I was going to just five him my number when I payed the check... but with my luck I got chicken-shit and he got busy so I sent my wing-gal up with digits in hand. The hand-off was a success but did you notice there was little to no conversation here... AKA_ I didn't even know his name!!! FFwd a week and a half later and I get a call and after working out some scheduling issues we met up.
Luckily, I remembered him when I saw him, phew! Which is more than I can say for some of the other dates I have had! Anyway, we talk and I find out that he helps design menus for area restaurants using local food, he knows a lot about wine and beer, he is a world traveler, and an artist whom is considering furniture making... In many ways Aiden from Sex and the City... Hhhmm, I can just imagine this fantasy life with Aiden, er, I mean, GC.
Oh, did I mention we went to the same high school? I graduated in 199... and he in 2001, the same year as my brother!! Thats besides the point, I can get past that because he is finishing up his master's degree in another country, one with rolling green hills and across an ocean from here. But that too, that is fine with me! That means no commitment and I am 100% down with that! A summer fling on a tight schedule... that might be just what the doctor ordered!
So over half way through the date (I tried to feel it out) I drop part of my bomb... Bug (I left the whole "D" thing out of it). He seems cool about it but things got a little weird after that. When dinner was over he walked me to my car and I told him I had a really nice time and he said he did too. No kiss, but he said he would call, I don't believe him but thats just my "mother's intuition".

Woa Joe..,

I have to tell you, I have a new crush. His name is Joe and I see him almost every morning before I get to work. He doesn't even know that I exist but that is ok, I will manage! He is cute in a John Mayer with stage make up kind of way. He is a good listener and a little goofy. He is great with kids and animals. I know that Bug likes him too, much more that Steve. She even asks for him in the mornings. He can sing, not fantastic... I wouldn't want anyone up-staging me, ha!! He is almost a celebrity at least in this house... he is Joe from Blue's Clues! Oh Joe... please come and take us into your world of animation...

For good and for bad... A Weekend Recap...

Well I am back from my trip and I wanted to have a bit of fun with this recap. Of course there was the typical issues and the others I was preparing myself for but there was also fun to be had!
So here is the game (yes, I am amusing mainly myself at this point but humor me, ok?) I will give you a topic and you decide if it was used For Good or For Bad then I will explain.

1. Text Messaging...
For bad... all X did was text the minister the entire weekend, even while he was supposed to be watching Bug in the pool, bastard! But, I am not surprised!

2. Chele's ass...
For good... it blocked the speakers in the ghetto vinyl van on the way to the tubing drop off. They were playing horrible country music!

3. Moonshine...
For bad... on my visit to the old neighbors, their neighbors whipped out their stash of the shine, apple. Tasted fantastic, like spiced cider with a kick. It was bad because there was no real reason to bring out a good stash (unless they were celebrating my return, and in that case I couldn't celebrate that way... I was driving) I say save that till the fall... Maybe a Halloween party, that would be good.

4. Baby Bottles...
For good... sure made some people look ridiculous sucking on them at a baby shower for a game!

5. Chocolate Cake...
For bad... when smeared on a white couch by a toddler that was un-invited to a party that she was still brought to... oops!

6. Child Support...
For good... finally! Well, partially good but it is about damn time!!

7. Chili's Waiter...
For good... especially when he gets the scoop on why this is the first time in 10 years that you and a college buddy have hung out and it is like "he" never happen! The best part was the look on his face!

8. Cover Bands...
For bad... when they are in the parking lot of a shopping center on a 95degree day on the black asphalt and they are no good because they even mess up the lyrics of a Beetles song!

9. Wine...
For good... how else do you think I survived? That and the bag from the box of wine takes up minimal space in the cooler and is very flexible for tubing!

10. Digital Cameras...
For good... as long as you are taking pictures for good reasons and not to take fat picts of X for amusement and in that case... still for good (as long as the opposite isn't happening to me)!

11. Identity Theft...
For bad... did you even have to think about that one? Especially when another buddy from college was supposed to meet up with you but had to cancel because large sums of money went missing from his account! Boo on you if you thought it was for good!

12. Cell Phones...
This one can go either way... For good... making plans, seeing where folks when we were supposed to meet by12:30 (yes Chele, I'm talking about you), when receiving a call from a cute bartender you were eyeing up the other week
For bad... when you leave them in some one's car and wake up at 3am trying to remember where it is and when it is missing you are at a total loss for every one's phone number... it is in the cell phone!! Also, and this is a gimme, when X is on it the entire time with the minister... for very bad!

There you have it... the first round of For Good or For Bad... What do you think?