Spaceman attacks...

Last night I was folding some laundry just before putting Bug to bed. We were fooling around with the clothes and jokingly I put her duckie panties on my head, she laughed and did the same thing with another pair. A few minutes later she ran over to her dress-up clothes and grabbed out her Cinderella puff sleeves. They are mesh puffs with pink ribbon that slide on to your arms. Well she slipped them on and over her elbows and pulled out her silver and purple princess mask and wanted it put on. Now picture this... Bug running around with pink panties on her head, silver costume mask over her eyes, blue and pink puffs over her elbows, and wearing a Snow Wipe night gown... yelling "I a spaceman!" right before bed. Priceless!

Gut feeling....

I just got off of the phone with the ex's mother. She called to touch base with me on out trip to NC next weekend. There is a baby shower for my x-sister-in-law that Bug and I are going to and yes, we are staying with her grandparents. Anyway, I am ok with the trip or at least I think I am.
I can handle being around him, and the family but it was when she started talking about the brother and sister in law and two granddaughters (one now and one on the way, that's how she corrected it ie: Bug and the one on the way) that's when my tummy did flip flops. I don't know why but I got that funny feeling in my gut. Am I now regretting my travel plans?
Part of me wants to cry and the other part is really pissed off at myself for wanting to cry. FUCK... I was looking forward to my evening and my weekend and now this... UGH!
I think I need a live Allman Brother's tune in the car with the windows open flying down the road to leave this one behind...

Baby #2...

I was cruizing on the net today and came across 'reborn babies'. I had never heard of them before so I did a little reading. These are vinyl dolls that are made to be as life like as possible. When I say that I really mean that! They are painted multiple times to give that newborn look. They are even weighted and have a microchip to give them a heartbeat and make it appear like they are breathing. The article even describes them as good for 'cuddle therapy'. At first I was like alright there are life like penises, dolls, pets, etc. so why not babies? Then I kept reading and at that point I was like, creepy!
Now, I am coming to terms with the fact that Bug will most likely be my one and only. Sometimes things don't always work out the way you plan them and that is a hard fact of life I had to accept. But I will not be one of those reborn baby owners... I don't need that cuddle therapy. Lets face it, if I do need it, I will pay for it... therapist or escort, not creepy baby doll. Like most of us use chocolate to get through PMS I will use the newborn section of the local Gymboree to try to get through my no-second-baby-blues. Therapy for others but not for me!

This kind of love...

So I am driving home tonight after an evening out with a friend of mine. We talked alot about life and what is going on. Anyway, on my way home this song is playing on the way home... "This Kind of Love". A beautiful song by Sister Hazel. I can relate... I felt that way once and I felt sad. I did feel that way and now I don't, not any more. That is the way I felt with X... Hmmph! Not the whole time, believe me but the heart has a way of forgetting all of the bad and remembering the good, oh well.
But where do I go from here? Where do I find that again, only better? My heart is closed for buisness and walled up and I wonder those on a daily basis! I want Prince Charming, the butterflies, and all of the hub-bub that goes along with it but... I am terrified to let it in. There I said it, I don't want to risk it for all of that hurt and pain again (now the weight loss was nice ;-) ) . I guess I am just stuck in limbo for now... I listen to love songs and dedicate them to Bug because God forbid there be anyone else. I (try to) keep myself safe for what... to listen to songs like this and remember, dream, or worse, to take a chance?
This may not have made sense to you... it is late and I'm tired but hey, it is what it is.

The unsalted wound (so far)...

Update from my last post...
I did respond to A's comment and you know what? I said what the hell! I have swallowed a hell of a lof of pride through this whole thing so f@#* it... here goes, I mean seriously, what is the worst thing that will happen? I am humiliated a little more by someone I haven't talked to in about 10 years? Then so be it!
I told her I would be in town in the end of the month and maybe we could meet up... it was up to her. She responded... Yes, we should definatly arrange that.
So, we'll see what happens... what the hell, right?

Salt in the wound...

When I checked my email today I saw that there was comment on my alumni page ( I posted about that not too long ago) and I saw who it was from, "A". A friend of mine from college with whom I had a falling out with about X when we started dating. We stopped speaking until I opened my mailbox today.
She said that she wanted to say hi and that Bug was beautiful and she hopes things have been well in my life. I know that we all grow up and move on but I have to say that this split up (X and I) is a hard one and there only a few people I didn't want to know about it... a friend of mine from HS, she didn't like him when them met, and A. I guess I am always afraid of the "I told you so" or "You've made your bed..." that I feel like should be coming my way. Like I deserved it, or that I should have listened, or seen it coming... That I should have known. I guess I am just waiting for that extra salt in the wound. I was waiting for it and I was afraid to see what she wrote. I didn't want to see her still angry with me, or to laugh in my face, or to make me feel like more of an ass than I already do.
But she didn't.
It took me a while to reply... I ended up with something along the lines of... Thank you, it has been a while. Life has had its ups and downs since I last saw you but much better now. Looks like you are established and doing well. And something about not running into her while I was living there. Within a few hours she responded about understanding the ups and downs... her father passed away last year. And to remember that everything happens for a reason.
I have yet to get back to her, I don't know what to say! I know what I want to say... Please, don't laugh at me. I know you are probably thinking to yourself that it serves me right but you just don't know! I will be there in a few weeks for a visit, can we meet and catch up? I know things ended badly between us but there were so many good times before that...
I will probably just tell her that I am sorry for her loss and that yes, everything does happen for a reason.
And maybe, just see where that goes.

Beach week recap...

I will start by saying that , no, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be! That being said the tone to the entire weekend was set on Friday night when X's grandmother told him to "Get off your fat ass and do it yourself." No they aren't as redneck as they sound. What that was, was X falling off ot the pedestal he has always been on... CRASH!

Bug was happy and she had fun. She even pointed out to X that he had big boobies then told his uncle later that he had boobies too but Daddy's were bigger. Told you... funny stuff!

I was weird though, it was almost like we were friends... he copied some cds that he thought I would like for me without asking and I picked up something from the store for him. Definatly odd!

Then came the finances talk... You know he doesn't have a job again so I wanted to know what his plans financially were for Bug during this interm. Go figure... "I don't know, I hadn't though about it." Am I surprised? Not at all. Dissappointed? Of course, but then again a leopard can't change his spots.

All in all... there were ups and down but who would have thought otherwise? And in the end (while filling up the gas tank on the way home, true story) the wind caught my skirt and I mooned half of Catonsville during rush hour... Go figure, perfect ent to a perfect weekend!