Damn this is a great week....

If you read my post from yesterday you already know that this week has been going... stellar! Well to top it off I woke up this morning with an amazing allergic reaction to something but now I am covered with hives and I want to crawl out of my skin!! Aaahh!! Go figure! Hopefully this weekend will bring me better luck.

To lighten the mood I bring you a funny Bug story, "Monster Spray"
The other night Bug started freaking out about the monsters in her room. This is a first, we have never encountered this problem before. It was about an half after she went to bed and moments before I turned in for the night when I heard the cries. I raced into the room, remember these are "I'm scared" screams not "I don't want to be here" cries.
"Mommy, monsters get me."
"Its ok, honey."
"I scared."
"I know, its ok t o be scared. Lets lay down. It will be ok."
"No Mommy, monsters get me."
Uuhh... (crickets chirping) me frantically trying to figure out what to do.... searching for an answer... Umm... I grab a bottle of Downey Wrinkle Release (btw... I am a huge fan) and proclaim...
"Bug, you know what this is?"
"What Mommy?"
"Monster spray. It keeps the monsters away, just like bug spray. Where do you see the monsters?"
"There, there, there, and there on your bed."
Spray, spray, spray, spray... monsters are all gone.
The next day I dumped the rest of the Downey out and replaced it with water and a few drops of lavender oil for good measure!

Update... I am falling apart...

Today, it is the truth I am falling apart inside and out!! But first let me catch you up to speed. Thanks to all of the notes of encouragement, I truly appreciate it! Since my last post I have discussed custody with X... What it boils down to is this... He is fine the way things are but "family" wants more definition to guarantee that he (they) can see Bug when ever they want. If it came from his parents... piss on them, have I ever given them any reason why they should think I wouldn't? If it is coming from the minister... piss off! This is none of her damn business! If it is anyone else... BUTT OUT! And by the way, shame on him for being ok with sub-par, but then again things have been going on like this for so long why change now, right? Anyway, my lawyer is working on something now, wish me luck!
Now on to this week's drama because what would a week in my life be like without drama? I don't know, it has been so long! Yesterday morning I got an email from X and the subject line was "moving". Now take your time with this one, its good... He was writing to let me know that he and the minister will be moving into his parents house this weekend so that they can save money so that they can move closer to Bug because that is the most important thing he can do... have Bug close to her daddy. This decision came as the only way they could all come up with to deal with his finances. But don't worry, hopefully this won't interfere with me bringing Bug to visit them. Minister will go and stay with X's brother and wife while we are in town. Oh, and if I want to talk to him about this we can when Bug calls him next.
I went through a rainbow of sailor-worthy words and emotions after reading said email. And no, I did not break anything (yet). Also, I didn't discuss anything with him, what the hell is there to say. My father said it perfect last night when he said... "And I thought that his parents were smart people." Me too Dad, me too! But I did come up with a suggestion for them and their financial dilemma... GET A FUCKING JOB YOU LAZY SOB!!! You really will be able to save much more money that way, but hey, its just a thought! And how in the world can ever stay at his parents house again or even look at them for that matter. I've lost respect for them.
So, last night/ this morning I was laying in bed (from 2am-4am) probably still fuming from this email and I had a vision... The minister is pregos. Now I don't know for sure (it would be par for the course) but it was almost like a vision from... God. Yesterday during my counseling session (aka: my phone call to TX) I pretty much guessed that they are just waiting for the divorce papers to be signed so they can run off and get hitched but this prego thing actually made my stomach hurt but enough about my visions.
Why I am falling apart.... I assumed yesterday that he will be the death of me and he is trying to make me as crazy as he is. I must be having a break down, right? But this morning I end up breaking a bottle and cutting my hand at work which sends me to the hospital for three hours to them be glued up and sent back to work. Ugh! And as if that isn't enough I have already spilled acid on myself today, broken my coffee mug, and dropped a tray of plastic tubes. I think I need to put socks over my hands and go back to bed for the rest of the day... What do you think?

Posession is 9/10 of the law...

There are a ton of things I could talk about right now... Susan Palin and the politics, my past weekend and the fact that I found out that X is a true asshole, or that good things happen to good people and no matter what we want to believe... bad things happen to good people too, or again about this past weekend and the fact that his grandmother passed away. She was a light, the type of person that brightens up a room, the type of person we all can be and want to be but aren't. Today was her funeral and tonight Bug picked up a book that she had to read before bed, we don't normally read before bed, and it was a book that her g-g-ma sent to Bug in June about being loved just the way she is. Maybe it was a coincidence but I doubt it. But that is not what I am going to write about.
Today I talked to my lawyer about finalizing this separation to a full fledged divorce and when I hung up the phone I was flustered, terrified, and unsure. It has been almost 18 months since this separation began and probably years since the drama between X and I began so why should I be the least bit upset about closing this door? I will tell you why in one word... Bug! He wants details in our paperwork about custody. When I saw him this past weekend, he wasn't himself. I mean he was but he wasn't, and just enough for me not to feel like I can predict him anymore and that is what scares me!
It is the next day now and I just emailed him... I have started talking to a lawyer and what are your ideas on custody? It took me almost an hour to press send but I finally did it. And now I wait for a response. I keep looking at the tab at the bottom of the screen to say (1 unread) and when it does my heart races, I take a deep breath, my eyes tear up and I will myself to check... it was a previous co-worker. That doesn't help because his could be the next one. I am unsure and scared. I am sitting here with a lump in my throat and it sucks! I need some fresh air and to get away from my thoughts and the computer for a bit.
I keep my fingers crossed. God, I don't want this to be a battle and I don't want him to take away my Bug for even a day. And I hate him because I know that one day he will want to and Damn It! It is not fair!

This kind of love...

So I am driving home tonight after an evening out with a friend of mine. We talked alot about life and what is going on. Anyway, on my way home this song is playing on the way home... "This Kind of Love". A beautiful song by Sister Hazel. I can relate... I felt that way once and I felt sad. I did feel that way and now I don't, not any more. That is the way I felt with X... Hmmph! Not the whole time, believe me but the heart has a way of forgetting all of the bad and remembering the good, oh well.
But where do I go from here? Where do I find that again, only better? My heart is closed for buisness and walled up and I wonder those on a daily basis! I want Prince Charming, the butterflies, and all of the hub-bub that goes along with it but... I am terrified to let it in. There I said it, I don't want to risk it for all of that hurt and pain again (now the weight loss was nice ;-) ) . I guess I am just stuck in limbo for now... I listen to love songs and dedicate them to Bug because God forbid there be anyone else. I (try to) keep myself safe for what... to listen to songs like this and remember, dream, or worse, to take a chance?
This may not have made sense to you... it is late and I'm tired but hey, it is what it is.

Not as bad as it seems...

So, what started out as a bad week has blossomed into a not so bad one all together!! Here I will give you the rundown...
Sunday... in bed way too late, this isn't going to be good!
Monday... Wake up an hour late and run late all day long. That night, right before bath, Bug gets bit by my parents dog and end up at the Patient First that night (no worries, she is ok but very much the drama queen!) and it is late to bed again!
Tuesday... Over sleep again, same story as Monday. My dog has a seizure as I walk in the door from work, wtf? This has never happen before!
Wednesday... To the vet for tests and have to wait for results till the next day. Also I have to "obtain a stool sample", ugh! Deal with FedEx and paperwork... details I won't go into!
Thursday... Drop samples off then get held up at the vet to wait for results (really late for work) Good news... all tests came up clear, still don't know what it may be but no major organ issues. After work I have to run and get a birthday gift for Dad (happy 60th) and go home and fix dinner (yummy). Dad got a job offer, Yea! At bedtime, I even got big hugs and an I Love You from my stingy Bug!
Friday... For the first time this week I got out of the house before 8am. Got my performance test results... I passed all of them, way to go me!! Tonight I am going out with my cous to celebrate her birthday, should be fun!
What a welcome turn around!

One of THOSE days...

You know, one of those days where things just don't go right, not wrong, just not right. Well today was one of them! The morning started off innocent enough and without issue (aside from the fear of a headache) then I got to work and it started... my instrument was out of gas and I had to wait till noon when the gas guy finally showed up, a waste of half of the day... still not horrible! In comes the afternoon and my day starts rolling then I check my email... there it is... one from the ex, and they always brighten up my day (extreme sarcasm). This one is titled "Wanted to pass this by you..." Well sh*t, what now? Well it appears that he is starting to butter me up for week long visitation two states away with Bug. HELLO!! She didn't even stay with him in the hotel 3 weeks ago over night (in that case, even to nap) because of all of the changes that have been going on. She has never slept away from me, ever, and to add a little extra to the mix she and I are sharing a room now. Now tell me, at 27 1/2 months do you think she is ready to go away for a week to another state? You know what... I don't need an answer because it is NO! Now I just have to talk to him about it (wish me luck).
Anyway, after work I made it to the gym (way to go me!) and stopped at the grocery store before picking up Bug. Once Bug and I were on our final rout home I asked her if she wanted to help me make candy when we got home and of course she happily replied... "YES!" It was a battle to get inside the house, you see it was in the 70s yesterday and she saw her bike in the carport on the way in..."I want my bike, I want my bike, I want my bike!!!" Cross-eyed, I finally got her inside with promises that we could go back out in a minute, just let me put my stuff down. Quickly I pulled the good ole 1-2 distraction on her... "Bug, do you want to make candy??" "Yes Mommy!" So off to the kitchen to make the easiest candy ever... Crockpot Candy (FYI... if you adjust the recipe and decide that dried fruit would be good... add it at the end!!) after a few chocolate chips were eaten that is where the fun began (I will give you the condensed version)... We had two time-outs (for the same thing, not listening) in a row, a naked pee-pee on the den rug (with lots of giggling), crazy dog that wouldn't stop barking, feet on the dinner table, spilled milk on the other table (on purpose), a temper tantrum, one freak out because of my parents dog, my mother's smart comments on everything going on (mind you, this was all before 7:30 last night), the candy half burned to the crock-pot (see above note), my phone dying mid-conversation with T, and then to top it all off... I had to chase crazy dog back outside multiple times to make sure that she went potty before bed so that I didn't wake up this morning to surprises. And when I finally made it to bed (exhausted) I couldn't fall asleep. Please don't let tomorrow be like this!!!