Posession is 9/10 of the law...

There are a ton of things I could talk about right now... Susan Palin and the politics, my past weekend and the fact that I found out that X is a true asshole, or that good things happen to good people and no matter what we want to believe... bad things happen to good people too, or again about this past weekend and the fact that his grandmother passed away. She was a light, the type of person that brightens up a room, the type of person we all can be and want to be but aren't. Today was her funeral and tonight Bug picked up a book that she had to read before bed, we don't normally read before bed, and it was a book that her g-g-ma sent to Bug in June about being loved just the way she is. Maybe it was a coincidence but I doubt it. But that is not what I am going to write about.
Today I talked to my lawyer about finalizing this separation to a full fledged divorce and when I hung up the phone I was flustered, terrified, and unsure. It has been almost 18 months since this separation began and probably years since the drama between X and I began so why should I be the least bit upset about closing this door? I will tell you why in one word... Bug! He wants details in our paperwork about custody. When I saw him this past weekend, he wasn't himself. I mean he was but he wasn't, and just enough for me not to feel like I can predict him anymore and that is what scares me!
It is the next day now and I just emailed him... I have started talking to a lawyer and what are your ideas on custody? It took me almost an hour to press send but I finally did it. And now I wait for a response. I keep looking at the tab at the bottom of the screen to say (1 unread) and when it does my heart races, I take a deep breath, my eyes tear up and I will myself to check... it was a previous co-worker. That doesn't help because his could be the next one. I am unsure and scared. I am sitting here with a lump in my throat and it sucks! I need some fresh air and to get away from my thoughts and the computer for a bit.
I keep my fingers crossed. God, I don't want this to be a battle and I don't want him to take away my Bug for even a day. And I hate him because I know that one day he will want to and Damn It! It is not fair!