What Christmas means to me....

Truth be told.... I just wasn't feeling it this year. That warm and fuzzy feeling of Christmas and I had a million reasons why. They weren't my decorations on the tree. Heck, it wasn't even my tree or my house. Different state. Different state of mind. Tighter purse strings. The separation/ divorce. Living with my family. The list goes on and on just like that.
Now I tried, I listened to Christmas music. I sent cards. I even coached Bug on the finer points of baking cookies but none of it seemed to work. While we were sitting at Christmas Eve mass singing "Silent Night" my eyes teared up as I held Bug. I got it and I can't even explain "it" but I got it!!
We went home and watched the Grinch and ate dinner then went to bed. The next morning I sat there and got to enjoy Christmas through her eyes. What a joy! We went to dinner and enjoyed the company of our extended family. At 9 pm we were on our way home with full bellies and happy hearts. And while we stopped at a traffic light with Christmas carols on the radio, I reached around and held onto her fleece covered foot and said, "I love you so much. I am so happy that I got to spend Christmas with you because I know that one day there will be a Christmas I won't be able to spend with you but I am so happy to be here with you today. It is so special to me." I don't know if she understood what I was saying or not but then she said, "Thank you, Mommy."
Maybe that it why I didn't feel it for so long... I was so worried about bills, messes, work, gifts, colds, and everything else that I didn't stop and take time for today. Anyway, I finally got it!