Bizarre conversations...

I just got off the phone after having one of the oddest conversations I never thought I would ever have! I was pleasant, it was with X, and it went something like this...

ME- "Hey, you have a minute?"
X- "Yea, what's up?"
ME- "The official divorce file is in the mail on its way to you via Certified Mail. It will get there in a few days and you will need to go to the post office to sign for it."
X- "Okay."
ME- "It has to be you that signs for it or else it isn't valid."
X- "Okay."
ME- "Once you do that you have x amount of time to 'answer' it... basically you are just saying that this is mutual, those forms can be found online, printed off, and sent in. Then a hearing is scheduled that I have to go to and that should be it."
X- "Should I just bring them up at Christmas?"
ME- "No, the sooner you get them mailed the sooner everything else can be taken care of."
X- "Oh, ok just let me know where to get those forms."
Blah, blah, blah...
X- "If you get a chance can Ellie call later today?"
ME- "Sure, we will try. Anyway, just wanted to give you a heads up."
X- "Thanks."

Ok, so not only was that an odd conversation and one that i never thought I would ever have but it was also really easy and like I was asking him to DRV a show for me... Weird! I guess change is possible!

The morning after...

It is the morning after one of the most historical Presidential Elections and the 44th President Elect is Barack Obama. For months, nay, almost two years I have been involved in this presidential race and I have never once denied to anyone that I am a Democrat even though my support has shifted. And in the weeks and months leading up to this race I have become more passionate about the issues at hand.
I supported the Democratic party and Barack Obama on the issues not the fact that history would be made... He began in a modest home with a single parent. He was not given every opportunity, he worked for it!
I support alternative energy and bringing our troops home while keeping everyone safe. I am pro-choice and I worry about health care for myself and Bug, God forbid anything happen to me or my job. Stop pushing out the middle class. I embrace optimism and hope. And lets face it, it is time for a change.
I woke up yesterday morning charged! I was excited to vote because I was engaged in the race... I have a voice! Bug went with me to the polls and cast my ballot, in my gut I felt so right about my decision. I couldn't stop checking the news... my excitement never subsided. Last night I stayed up late, past the announcement, I wanted to hear Obama's speech, unfortunately my body had another thought, it was time for bed. I still wanted to run outside and pump my fists and shout from the rooftops... "WE ARE READY FOR CHANGE!!"
This morning when I woke up I couldn't turn the news on fast enough, but this was only one victory. Now it is time for the journey. Change is a commitment and something we all must do together but you know what... Yes We Can!

It started with an email...

So first off... Sorry it has been a while since the last post! Had a few things going on lately... my b-day (good times), Bugs birthday (great times) and the party that went along with it, filing for the big "D" and I don't mean Dallas, dad lost his job (again), and lets not forget... everyday life!
So here is my new deal... as you know, I am terrified of getting hurt again. I have commitment and trust issues (go figure) that I am working through. And the less available a man is then the more attracted I am. I have all but sworn off sex, not that there is any possibility of that any time soon but I have no business with any of the outcomes that can go along with it... STDs, pregnancy, etc..
In a time where I have started to master the "no-attachment" thing and "its all for fun" thing. Oh, lets not forget the "there's no second date" thing! There is someone I can't stop thinking about. It wasn't supposed to be anything more than platonic and lets not even mention the baggage, on both sides but I can't get him out of my mind!

When the bar closes down...

The other night, after a fantastic mini reunion of high school girlfriends, it was finally time to home. That was when it hit me as I turned the corner in my 4" green heels... this is the worst part of being single. Some may say it is meeting people, waiting at a bar by yourself for a date, then there is always the dreaded sleeping alone on a cold night. But no, for me it is walking back to my car, alone, after a night out. There is no safety in numbers when you are by yourself. And what if something does happen? Will there be anyone around to see? It is not just the safety issue, there is no one in the car to bitch to, laugh with, or just talk to.
I got a bit down on my walk back to the car because of these thoughts. But when I sat down and started the car the song "I Will Survive" was playing. I laughed, even thought there was no one besides me, because you know what? I will!

If a picture says 1,000 words...

Then what the hell does insensitive in-laws sending you pictures of the minister say?
I got two emails today from the x-MIL and her sister in law of picts of the new baby in the family (the WM (whore-minister) was smiling and holding the baby in one) then another group where it was the family hanging out with out of town guest and WM was grinning away in those too. Now my question is this... Why in the hell did you send these to me?? Was this necessary? I will tell you... NO! NO! NO! NO! No it was not! UGH! What a Monday!

High hopes and aspirations...

I received and email yesterday from a friend of mine and she was sharing the response her son had to the question... What do you want to be when you grow up?
Well I asked Bug last night and without missing a beat she put her hands by her head like moose antlers and said, "Taller!" I laughed and said, "I think we can make that happen!"

Get off of my ass...

So one of my biggest pet peeves is bitching and moaning! I loathe it! And yea, yea, yea some (ok, more than some) of my posts are bitching and moaning about X. I get it! But I say it is more venting and expressing my fears and concerns. I try not to bend any one's ear about it, except on the occasion that it gets pretty bad and I am having trouble dealing with said situation.
Anyway, yesterday on my way home from work to pick up Bug I got a call from (insert presidential campaign of my choice here) asking for some help canvasing along with other grassroots efforts. My first reaction was, and I actually said this to the representative, Jason... "I am a single mom and it is really hard for me to get a sitter during the days on the weekends so I really can't help. Sorry."
After hanging up the phone I was really disappointed with myself! I am trying to branch out and meet new people and push myself to do new things. And the hardest part is that I am building up the confidence to do this on my own. It is ok to not know anyone at first, even you closest friends were strangers at some point, right? Also, I have caught my self complaining about our political process and voicing my opinions concerning the economy and many other things. Damn it, I really can't stand complainers and I am turning into one!
I picked up my cell and hit redial, explained who I am and that yes I am interested in helping out. I am looking forward to Jason emailing me the details and I told him that as long as I have a heads up I will try to get a sitter!
So, I am getting off my ass and suggest the same for you, political or not... stop bitching and do something about it! Oh and btw... exercise your rights and vote!
PS- C- this isn't like the "grassroots" efforts we made at midnight during the Clinton/Dole campaign! ;-)

Damn this is a great week....

If you read my post from yesterday you already know that this week has been going... stellar! Well to top it off I woke up this morning with an amazing allergic reaction to something but now I am covered with hives and I want to crawl out of my skin!! Aaahh!! Go figure! Hopefully this weekend will bring me better luck.

To lighten the mood I bring you a funny Bug story, "Monster Spray"
The other night Bug started freaking out about the monsters in her room. This is a first, we have never encountered this problem before. It was about an half after she went to bed and moments before I turned in for the night when I heard the cries. I raced into the room, remember these are "I'm scared" screams not "I don't want to be here" cries.
"Mommy, monsters get me."
"Its ok, honey."
"I scared."
"I know, its ok t o be scared. Lets lay down. It will be ok."
"No Mommy, monsters get me."
Uuhh... (crickets chirping) me frantically trying to figure out what to do.... searching for an answer... Umm... I grab a bottle of Downey Wrinkle Release (btw... I am a huge fan) and proclaim...
"Bug, you know what this is?"
"What Mommy?"
"Monster spray. It keeps the monsters away, just like bug spray. Where do you see the monsters?"
"There, there, there, and there on your bed."
Spray, spray, spray, spray... monsters are all gone.
The next day I dumped the rest of the Downey out and replaced it with water and a few drops of lavender oil for good measure!

Update... I am falling apart...

Today, it is the truth I am falling apart inside and out!! But first let me catch you up to speed. Thanks to all of the notes of encouragement, I truly appreciate it! Since my last post I have discussed custody with X... What it boils down to is this... He is fine the way things are but "family" wants more definition to guarantee that he (they) can see Bug when ever they want. If it came from his parents... piss on them, have I ever given them any reason why they should think I wouldn't? If it is coming from the minister... piss off! This is none of her damn business! If it is anyone else... BUTT OUT! And by the way, shame on him for being ok with sub-par, but then again things have been going on like this for so long why change now, right? Anyway, my lawyer is working on something now, wish me luck!
Now on to this week's drama because what would a week in my life be like without drama? I don't know, it has been so long! Yesterday morning I got an email from X and the subject line was "moving". Now take your time with this one, its good... He was writing to let me know that he and the minister will be moving into his parents house this weekend so that they can save money so that they can move closer to Bug because that is the most important thing he can do... have Bug close to her daddy. This decision came as the only way they could all come up with to deal with his finances. But don't worry, hopefully this won't interfere with me bringing Bug to visit them. Minister will go and stay with X's brother and wife while we are in town. Oh, and if I want to talk to him about this we can when Bug calls him next.
I went through a rainbow of sailor-worthy words and emotions after reading said email. And no, I did not break anything (yet). Also, I didn't discuss anything with him, what the hell is there to say. My father said it perfect last night when he said... "And I thought that his parents were smart people." Me too Dad, me too! But I did come up with a suggestion for them and their financial dilemma... GET A FUCKING JOB YOU LAZY SOB!!! You really will be able to save much more money that way, but hey, its just a thought! And how in the world can ever stay at his parents house again or even look at them for that matter. I've lost respect for them.
So, last night/ this morning I was laying in bed (from 2am-4am) probably still fuming from this email and I had a vision... The minister is pregos. Now I don't know for sure (it would be par for the course) but it was almost like a vision from... God. Yesterday during my counseling session (aka: my phone call to TX) I pretty much guessed that they are just waiting for the divorce papers to be signed so they can run off and get hitched but this prego thing actually made my stomach hurt but enough about my visions.
Why I am falling apart.... I assumed yesterday that he will be the death of me and he is trying to make me as crazy as he is. I must be having a break down, right? But this morning I end up breaking a bottle and cutting my hand at work which sends me to the hospital for three hours to them be glued up and sent back to work. Ugh! And as if that isn't enough I have already spilled acid on myself today, broken my coffee mug, and dropped a tray of plastic tubes. I think I need to put socks over my hands and go back to bed for the rest of the day... What do you think?

Posession is 9/10 of the law...

There are a ton of things I could talk about right now... Susan Palin and the politics, my past weekend and the fact that I found out that X is a true asshole, or that good things happen to good people and no matter what we want to believe... bad things happen to good people too, or again about this past weekend and the fact that his grandmother passed away. She was a light, the type of person that brightens up a room, the type of person we all can be and want to be but aren't. Today was her funeral and tonight Bug picked up a book that she had to read before bed, we don't normally read before bed, and it was a book that her g-g-ma sent to Bug in June about being loved just the way she is. Maybe it was a coincidence but I doubt it. But that is not what I am going to write about.
Today I talked to my lawyer about finalizing this separation to a full fledged divorce and when I hung up the phone I was flustered, terrified, and unsure. It has been almost 18 months since this separation began and probably years since the drama between X and I began so why should I be the least bit upset about closing this door? I will tell you why in one word... Bug! He wants details in our paperwork about custody. When I saw him this past weekend, he wasn't himself. I mean he was but he wasn't, and just enough for me not to feel like I can predict him anymore and that is what scares me!
It is the next day now and I just emailed him... I have started talking to a lawyer and what are your ideas on custody? It took me almost an hour to press send but I finally did it. And now I wait for a response. I keep looking at the tab at the bottom of the screen to say (1 unread) and when it does my heart races, I take a deep breath, my eyes tear up and I will myself to check... it was a previous co-worker. That doesn't help because his could be the next one. I am unsure and scared. I am sitting here with a lump in my throat and it sucks! I need some fresh air and to get away from my thoughts and the computer for a bit.
I keep my fingers crossed. God, I don't want this to be a battle and I don't want him to take away my Bug for even a day. And I hate him because I know that one day he will want to and Damn It! It is not fair!

Wanna see...

When I picked Bug up from school yesterday she was wearing a tank top and shorts... This was odd for two reasons. 1) When she went to school she was wearing a dress and 2) She will only wear dresses these days! Ok, so reason #1 is not too weird but there was nothing spilled on her dress and there were no panties that needed to be cleaned, that is what made it odd. When we got home I was cleaning out her bag and I tossed her dress into the laundry and I asked Bug...
"Did you spill something on your dress today?"
"No, I show my friends my big girl pants and my teacher put shirt and shorts on me"
Now, I don't know about you but my Bug likes to tell stories. Not that this was unbelievable, it was completely believable and that kinda worried me, and also I guess I never noticed this behavior before.
So, this morning when I took her to school I saw her teacher and asked about it. She confirmed Bug's story, my tiny flasher. The only other question I had was if it was just her panties she was showing and her teacher wasn't sure... I really have my hands full with this one!

Honest with no advice...

Last night I stayed up late talking with an old friend of mine. We caught up on a lot of things then we got on the topic of dating and he confirmed what I guess I knew all along. But I think it is a universal truth that was spoken from a single man my own age... Honestly, I would think twice dating a chick with a kid, unless I, you know, already knew her. Like you and I , I already know you so that is different but I don't want to take on some one's other issues. Sorry to tell you that.
Hey, at least he was being honest. So I asked him, what do I do? Do I keep it to myself for the first date or two. I talk about work but what about the other 16 hours of the day? Do I just overlook what occupies 99% of my 'free' time? Obviously, I wouldn't chat about what happened on last night's Dora the Explorer, duh? Or do I mention it, be open and up front about it, and let them run?

A shout out to my college friends...

I want to take a minute to say thank you to all of my buddies from college, especially my sorority sisters. Back in the day I used to say I was learning more "life lessons" than academics during my higher education years. Well, I have to say, in hindsight, I was mostly right but some of the academics did sink in at some point. Back to my point... One very improntant "life lesson" was used jut the other night while assisting Bug during her time of need... the stomach virus. Let me say here that it was a very unfortunate choice of of lunches I packed for her that day, tacos and oranges. Even though she liked it, still not a good sight in rewind!
So, here is where I say thank you to all of you whom I heard praying to the porcelin gods in the community restroom after 10pm on any given weekend (sometimes during the week, too) night. Thank you to all of you I witnessed hanging out a window, over a ledge or rail, or leaning against a tree (or side of a house) heaving all of your insides out. Thank you also to any of you I had to clean up after any of those unfortunate events, like in the inside of my old Nova. I won't mention any names, ok Shitter? ;) Because of all of you and your dedicated efforts I have developed a strong stomach that was able to take having said lunch spewed on me and the bathroom and the ablility to lovingly comfort Bug while cleaning up after her. Thank you, your efforts have not gone unnoticed or unappreciated!
"I can't be hard on you 'cauz you know I've been there too..."
-"Good Intentions" by Toad the Wet Sprocket

I met the devil yesterday and he had dimples...

I came off of my xx-week gym hiatus yesterday. Wait, let me rewind a bit... I am not doing to make excuses as to why I haven't been going so I will just say I haven't been to the gym in a while. Anyway, recently I have been on edge and not able to shake it off any other way I have tried but no, that was not the breaking point. My breaking point came when I found the perfect dress for an 80's cover band show/ girl's night out. Picture this... A strapless black dress that isn't tight but definitely fits perfect with hot pink polka dots (small) all over with a black patent leather belt and I have the perfect patent leather wedge heels to go with it, I am so excited. Well, this dressing room, like all of the other God forsaken ones out there, makes the clothing look great, in turn, making you look great in it... Sold! Here is the best part... I found it at Goodwill for less than $8! So, I get home and try it on with my heels and strapless bra and, oh wait, what is that... a little puffiness by my arm fold? What won't do. Oooh, no, this is a bit more revealing than I remember too. And here comes the decision... Hmm, I need to drop about 5 lbs (the magic 5lbs we all need to loose) and this will be fabulous! Fast forward to yesterday... So yesterday was my first day back to the gym and calorie counting... I mean business; I hope I can last, the sow is 3 weeks away!
I get to the gym and change, I even remembered the combination to my lock, go me!! I heat to the elliptical trainer with a purpose, woman on a mission! Plug into Oprah and I am off!
Side note: The other day I made okra for dinner and Bug kept calling it Oprah. It was pretty funny!
Sorry, anyway, here I am ellipticaling away and I glance over to the mirror to make sure I don't look like a complete ass and OMG!! I look again, SHIT! Now it is like a freaking train wreck, I can't even will myself to look away... Damn that natural light from the windows, I saw cellulite on my thighs. Bear with me, this was the first sighting ever, so please let me be a little dramatic! I made the worst decision ever yesterday, I decided to wear shorts instead of my usual capris because of the false sense of security I had from my faint summer glow.
Well, as if I wasn't determined before, I am now. Wish me luck. But why me? Why me? Why? why? why....

Something to think about...

"He used to say soul shine,
Its better than the sunshine,
Its better than the moonshine,
Damn sure better than the rain.
Hey now people don't mind,
If we all get this way sometime,
Gotta let your soul shine.
Shine till the break of day."

-"Soulshine" by Warren Haynes

I heard this song today, its one of my favorites. It is a beautiful day outside, I slept well last night, I am in a great mood....
Its a good day!

My special friend...

Last night I asked my parents if any one of their children was as fascinated with their "pieces and parts" (aka... privates) as Bug is. Of the three of us, it was my sister. She got an orange crayon stuck in her 'gina. Don't worry, a day and a half later it came out and she proclaimed, with said crayon in her hand, "Here-d dit is!" Side note... The doctor said that once the muscles relax it will come out on its own. My brother on the other hand was much more fascinated with his nose but that is another story for another day.
This came about when Bug was exploring her neither regions with her toy dog but this is not about her 'gina it is about what my mother called vaginas, actually all privates for that matter, last night. Some call it a hoo-ha, a va-j-jay, flower, pieces and parts, girlie parts, privates, woo-wee, puthy (please don't ask), twitchet (seriously, don't ask), our goods, a woo-woo, and our personal favorite the vagina ( actually 'gina). No, not my mother! Last night she called it our special friend (I thought that was Flow... again another story in about 12 years). And according to my mother Bug is a big fan of her 'special friend'.
Lucky for us, Bug's special friend has not been hiding any toys and hopefully we can keep it that way!!

Does this make my butt look fat...

Let me start by saying that I feed my child well. Pro-veggies, whole foods, fresh fruits, lean meats, whole grain breads, ok sure, there is the occasional fish stick but the kid even eats salmon. Kudos to me!! Sweets aren't avoided but they are kept at a minimum. I even avoid the over processed juices in the juice isle, I prefer the pureed juices or the homemade ones.
But what I can't understand is why Bug's two favorite foods (I use this term loosely) are butter and toothpaste. You would think it makes it easier for "brush our teeth" time but it is always the same... a glob of toothpaste for the tooth brush and then she sticks the tube in her mouth (or scrapes some of the semi-dried stuff off from next to the dispenser) and sucks it down then we can brush away. It is either that or deal with the tears... which would you choose??
Even better though was just last night when I caught her in the fridge biting off some of a stick of butter, gross! The stick of butter always has little finger gouges out of the top. Thank God we aren't having a dinner party any time soon!!

My daughter, the cock-block...

I knew it would happen at some point and I even psyched my self up for it... it will weed out the losers. But it happened for real and not in my head! I went out on a date a week ago with GC. It was almost a blind date, he was a bartender I had been making "eyes" with and I got ballsy. I was going to just five him my number when I payed the check... but with my luck I got chicken-shit and he got busy so I sent my wing-gal up with digits in hand. The hand-off was a success but did you notice there was little to no conversation here... AKA_ I didn't even know his name!!! FFwd a week and a half later and I get a call and after working out some scheduling issues we met up.
Luckily, I remembered him when I saw him, phew! Which is more than I can say for some of the other dates I have had! Anyway, we talk and I find out that he helps design menus for area restaurants using local food, he knows a lot about wine and beer, he is a world traveler, and an artist whom is considering furniture making... In many ways Aiden from Sex and the City... Hhhmm, I can just imagine this fantasy life with Aiden, er, I mean, GC.
Oh, did I mention we went to the same high school? I graduated in 199... and he in 2001, the same year as my brother!! Thats besides the point, I can get past that because he is finishing up his master's degree in another country, one with rolling green hills and across an ocean from here. But that too, that is fine with me! That means no commitment and I am 100% down with that! A summer fling on a tight schedule... that might be just what the doctor ordered!
So over half way through the date (I tried to feel it out) I drop part of my bomb... Bug (I left the whole "D" thing out of it). He seems cool about it but things got a little weird after that. When dinner was over he walked me to my car and I told him I had a really nice time and he said he did too. No kiss, but he said he would call, I don't believe him but thats just my "mother's intuition".

Woa Joe..,

I have to tell you, I have a new crush. His name is Joe and I see him almost every morning before I get to work. He doesn't even know that I exist but that is ok, I will manage! He is cute in a John Mayer with stage make up kind of way. He is a good listener and a little goofy. He is great with kids and animals. I know that Bug likes him too, much more that Steve. She even asks for him in the mornings. He can sing, not fantastic... I wouldn't want anyone up-staging me, ha!! He is almost a celebrity at least in this house... he is Joe from Blue's Clues! Oh Joe... please come and take us into your world of animation...

For good and for bad... A Weekend Recap...

Well I am back from my trip and I wanted to have a bit of fun with this recap. Of course there was the typical issues and the others I was preparing myself for but there was also fun to be had!
So here is the game (yes, I am amusing mainly myself at this point but humor me, ok?) I will give you a topic and you decide if it was used For Good or For Bad then I will explain.

1. Text Messaging...
For bad... all X did was text the minister the entire weekend, even while he was supposed to be watching Bug in the pool, bastard! But, I am not surprised!

2. Chele's ass...
For good... it blocked the speakers in the ghetto vinyl van on the way to the tubing drop off. They were playing horrible country music!

3. Moonshine...
For bad... on my visit to the old neighbors, their neighbors whipped out their stash of the shine, apple. Tasted fantastic, like spiced cider with a kick. It was bad because there was no real reason to bring out a good stash (unless they were celebrating my return, and in that case I couldn't celebrate that way... I was driving) I say save that till the fall... Maybe a Halloween party, that would be good.

4. Baby Bottles...
For good... sure made some people look ridiculous sucking on them at a baby shower for a game!

5. Chocolate Cake...
For bad... when smeared on a white couch by a toddler that was un-invited to a party that she was still brought to... oops!

6. Child Support...
For good... finally! Well, partially good but it is about damn time!!

7. Chili's Waiter...
For good... especially when he gets the scoop on why this is the first time in 10 years that you and a college buddy have hung out and it is like "he" never happen! The best part was the look on his face!

8. Cover Bands...
For bad... when they are in the parking lot of a shopping center on a 95degree day on the black asphalt and they are no good because they even mess up the lyrics of a Beetles song!

9. Wine...
For good... how else do you think I survived? That and the bag from the box of wine takes up minimal space in the cooler and is very flexible for tubing!

10. Digital Cameras...
For good... as long as you are taking pictures for good reasons and not to take fat picts of X for amusement and in that case... still for good (as long as the opposite isn't happening to me)!

11. Identity Theft...
For bad... did you even have to think about that one? Especially when another buddy from college was supposed to meet up with you but had to cancel because large sums of money went missing from his account! Boo on you if you thought it was for good!

12. Cell Phones...
This one can go either way... For good... making plans, seeing where folks when we were supposed to meet by12:30 (yes Chele, I'm talking about you), when receiving a call from a cute bartender you were eyeing up the other week
For bad... when you leave them in some one's car and wake up at 3am trying to remember where it is and when it is missing you are at a total loss for every one's phone number... it is in the cell phone!! Also, and this is a gimme, when X is on it the entire time with the minister... for very bad!

There you have it... the first round of For Good or For Bad... What do you think?

Spaceman attacks...

Last night I was folding some laundry just before putting Bug to bed. We were fooling around with the clothes and jokingly I put her duckie panties on my head, she laughed and did the same thing with another pair. A few minutes later she ran over to her dress-up clothes and grabbed out her Cinderella puff sleeves. They are mesh puffs with pink ribbon that slide on to your arms. Well she slipped them on and over her elbows and pulled out her silver and purple princess mask and wanted it put on. Now picture this... Bug running around with pink panties on her head, silver costume mask over her eyes, blue and pink puffs over her elbows, and wearing a Snow Wipe night gown... yelling "I a spaceman!" right before bed. Priceless!

Gut feeling....

I just got off of the phone with the ex's mother. She called to touch base with me on out trip to NC next weekend. There is a baby shower for my x-sister-in-law that Bug and I are going to and yes, we are staying with her grandparents. Anyway, I am ok with the trip or at least I think I am.
I can handle being around him, and the family but it was when she started talking about the brother and sister in law and two granddaughters (one now and one on the way, that's how she corrected it ie: Bug and the one on the way) that's when my tummy did flip flops. I don't know why but I got that funny feeling in my gut. Am I now regretting my travel plans?
Part of me wants to cry and the other part is really pissed off at myself for wanting to cry. FUCK... I was looking forward to my evening and my weekend and now this... UGH!
I think I need a live Allman Brother's tune in the car with the windows open flying down the road to leave this one behind...

Baby #2...

I was cruizing on the net today and came across 'reborn babies'. I had never heard of them before so I did a little reading. These are vinyl dolls that are made to be as life like as possible. When I say that I really mean that! They are painted multiple times to give that newborn look. They are even weighted and have a microchip to give them a heartbeat and make it appear like they are breathing. The article even describes them as good for 'cuddle therapy'. At first I was like alright there are life like penises, dolls, pets, etc. so why not babies? Then I kept reading and at that point I was like, creepy!
Now, I am coming to terms with the fact that Bug will most likely be my one and only. Sometimes things don't always work out the way you plan them and that is a hard fact of life I had to accept. But I will not be one of those reborn baby owners... I don't need that cuddle therapy. Lets face it, if I do need it, I will pay for it... therapist or escort, not creepy baby doll. Like most of us use chocolate to get through PMS I will use the newborn section of the local Gymboree to try to get through my no-second-baby-blues. Therapy for others but not for me!

This kind of love...

So I am driving home tonight after an evening out with a friend of mine. We talked alot about life and what is going on. Anyway, on my way home this song is playing on the way home... "This Kind of Love". A beautiful song by Sister Hazel. I can relate... I felt that way once and I felt sad. I did feel that way and now I don't, not any more. That is the way I felt with X... Hmmph! Not the whole time, believe me but the heart has a way of forgetting all of the bad and remembering the good, oh well.
But where do I go from here? Where do I find that again, only better? My heart is closed for buisness and walled up and I wonder those on a daily basis! I want Prince Charming, the butterflies, and all of the hub-bub that goes along with it but... I am terrified to let it in. There I said it, I don't want to risk it for all of that hurt and pain again (now the weight loss was nice ;-) ) . I guess I am just stuck in limbo for now... I listen to love songs and dedicate them to Bug because God forbid there be anyone else. I (try to) keep myself safe for what... to listen to songs like this and remember, dream, or worse, to take a chance?
This may not have made sense to you... it is late and I'm tired but hey, it is what it is.

The unsalted wound (so far)...

Update from my last post...
I did respond to A's comment and you know what? I said what the hell! I have swallowed a hell of a lof of pride through this whole thing so f@#* it... here goes, I mean seriously, what is the worst thing that will happen? I am humiliated a little more by someone I haven't talked to in about 10 years? Then so be it!
I told her I would be in town in the end of the month and maybe we could meet up... it was up to her. She responded... Yes, we should definatly arrange that.
So, we'll see what happens... what the hell, right?

Salt in the wound...

When I checked my email today I saw that there was comment on my alumni page ( I posted about that not too long ago) and I saw who it was from, "A". A friend of mine from college with whom I had a falling out with about X when we started dating. We stopped speaking until I opened my mailbox today.
She said that she wanted to say hi and that Bug was beautiful and she hopes things have been well in my life. I know that we all grow up and move on but I have to say that this split up (X and I) is a hard one and there only a few people I didn't want to know about it... a friend of mine from HS, she didn't like him when them met, and A. I guess I am always afraid of the "I told you so" or "You've made your bed..." that I feel like should be coming my way. Like I deserved it, or that I should have listened, or seen it coming... That I should have known. I guess I am just waiting for that extra salt in the wound. I was waiting for it and I was afraid to see what she wrote. I didn't want to see her still angry with me, or to laugh in my face, or to make me feel like more of an ass than I already do.
But she didn't.
It took me a while to reply... I ended up with something along the lines of... Thank you, it has been a while. Life has had its ups and downs since I last saw you but much better now. Looks like you are established and doing well. And something about not running into her while I was living there. Within a few hours she responded about understanding the ups and downs... her father passed away last year. And to remember that everything happens for a reason.
I have yet to get back to her, I don't know what to say! I know what I want to say... Please, don't laugh at me. I know you are probably thinking to yourself that it serves me right but you just don't know! I will be there in a few weeks for a visit, can we meet and catch up? I know things ended badly between us but there were so many good times before that...
I will probably just tell her that I am sorry for her loss and that yes, everything does happen for a reason.
And maybe, just see where that goes.

Beach week recap...

I will start by saying that , no, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be! That being said the tone to the entire weekend was set on Friday night when X's grandmother told him to "Get off your fat ass and do it yourself." No they aren't as redneck as they sound. What that was, was X falling off ot the pedestal he has always been on... CRASH!

Bug was happy and she had fun. She even pointed out to X that he had big boobies then told his uncle later that he had boobies too but Daddy's were bigger. Told you... funny stuff!

I was weird though, it was almost like we were friends... he copied some cds that he thought I would like for me without asking and I picked up something from the store for him. Definatly odd!

Then came the finances talk... You know he doesn't have a job again so I wanted to know what his plans financially were for Bug during this interm. Go figure... "I don't know, I hadn't though about it." Am I surprised? Not at all. Dissappointed? Of course, but then again a leopard can't change his spots.

All in all... there were ups and down but who would have thought otherwise? And in the end (while filling up the gas tank on the way home, true story) the wind caught my skirt and I mooned half of Catonsville during rush hour... Go figure, perfect ent to a perfect weekend!

Back to the single stuff...

So I have been pretty calm lately. Ok, let me rephrase... My evenings have been pretty calm lately! Then came Friday night! You see I went out with the cous to a concert at a club downtown! Totally fun! But the crowd was way mellow and I was so excited about getting dressed and going out (and all three of my horoscopes said that Friday was the day for romance but I will get tho that later). So after a while we skipped out and hopped a cab across town. The night was ours!!
We end up at the Waterfront and having fun when this guy behind me was trying to get a drink from the bar so I extended a helping hand. He told me that if I could get the bartender's attention to grab a cold one myself so far be it from me to turn such an offer and moments later I was sitting there with a ice cold Corona and a new friend. He decided the best way to thank me was to tell me over and over again just how beautiful I am. First time, very nice. Times 8-22, creepy especially when there was kissing and licking involved. Yes my skin crawled and I cringed but he finally left without causing a scene.
Which brings me to bachelor #2 sitting next to me on the other side of me starts chatting with me and decides to by a round of shots. I say, "No, thank you but tell me something interesting about you." Then I get a shot pushed towards me, I decline again. Then he begins to get pissed off that I won't take a shot. I am talking angry-pissy. I decline once again, turn to cous, and tell her that we need to go, now! Off to the next bar!
We go to a small bar to see who is playing, it was one of her childhood neighbors, random! So we sit for a few minutes and grab a drink and that is when bachelor #3 enters the picture. Lets be honest here, my memory at this point is a little hazy, it was a long night! I know that he was an older dude and a bit shady. I wasn't even chatting with him and next thing I know he is asking me out to dinner, completely unprovoked. I decline and we leave the bar.
Last (almost) venue for the evening before heading home. There are hot bartenders there so of course we can always look, right? Unfortunately, they were no where to be found. So I struck up a conversation with this skinny dude with the oddest tats I have seen in a long time. By this time my feet are killing me and lets face it... it was time to go home (and the bars were closing). We cab it back and on the way home cous and I end it the best way possible... hit the all night diner for home fries, bacon, and pancakes.
I make it home by 3ish and then back to reality... Bug wakes me up at 6:15. Luckily no hangover just really, really tired. Mommy hat back on... it was fun being single again, at least for a night!

Beach watch 2K8...

Seriously, I should have started this earlier this week so let me take a minute to catch you up to speed. This may jump around a bit so please bear with me, it will make sense in the end. Here goes...
At the end of the month I am taking Bug to the beach to visit her great grandparents and other family (all from his side). I figured he would probably come up to see Bug and so would his mom. Anyway, here is where it gets fun. This past weekend he came up to visit (Friday -Monday) Bug for the weekend. The weekend was smooth enough. It was odd though, on Friday night he started mentioning that he might have to go back on Sunday because of work but he wasn't sure yet. By Saturday I asked him about his plans for Sunday and he confirmed what I already figured out... He was leaving on Sunday. I wasn't really surprised!
We also talked about the beach trip and then he sprung something on me, no the minister isn't coming but it wouldn't surprise me if he tried that, but he is going to stay at the same place that I am... his uncle's house. Actually, he is staying right across the hall the whole weekend. Fantastic! And while I am at it, lets just add to the fun... His brother and pregnant wife are coming to the beach also, with their dog! I may have found that one out Saturday evening. Who knows? I have lost track by now.
Fast forward to Monday... When Bug calls X, like usual, around 4 on the way home from school he tells her that he is getting ready to go jogging. That's odd! He works an hour away and it is only 4 in the afternoon, he is home, relaxed, and ready for a jog? I thought he had to leave Sunday because of work on Monday. Hmmm! I guess I was right, I figured he just wanted to have a free day with the minister. Why say anything... there really is no point!
Then comes the floods of bad news. Between Wednesday evening and Thursday morning I find out that other g-g-mother is in ICU from blacking out and falling, someone in the distant family just got diagnosed with breast cancer, and a friends husband just lost his job. Bummer! Later Thursday I get even more bad news... X just lost his job in reorganization. Go figure. I could rant and rave here but I won't, I will let you do that in your comments. Please, it may make me feel better!
So Thursday night I am talking with his mom about flights for the end of July and I say...
"God, I don't think I can handle any more bad news today."
"Really"
"Between g-g-mother, breast cancer, friend's hubby, then the email today about X's job. Man, bad day for news!"
"When did you find out about X's job?"
"Today"
"It happened last week. He didn't tell you?"
"No"
"He was supposed to tell you before he came up to visit Bug."
"He didn't. And you want to know something really funny? He told me that he had to leave on Sunday because they needed him back at work on Monday?"
"OMG! Are you kidding me?"
"D, would I lie?"
"You wouldn't."
"I know and I haven't about any of this. What do you think I have been telling you about this entire time?"
"I can't believe this, all of the lies..."
Needless to say we got off the phone a minute or two later. I can't say I am surprised. I also found out that asked for half of the escrow from his dad to pay for last month's child support. WTF!
Anyway, I got another call from his mom in the middle of dinner saying that the shit has hit the fan and as we spoke his father was chewing him out on the other phone. If I was to be contacted by X about this, don't listen to what he says because I didn't do anything wrong.
We will see what happens from here, if anything. There are are a few things I know for sure... X is still a huge liar, he is broke and as dependable as usual, and the chance of anything changing, well, that is slim to nil!
Now I am on Beach Watch 2K8, who knows WTF will happen between now and then but I will let you know!
Moral of the story: Honesty is the best policy don't marry a nut-job!

The mommy tantrums...

So, before I start... Yes Bug is feeling better, finally!

On to the post... While I was moving my car yesterday I struck up a conversation with the neighbors. They have three girls ranging from 14 to 7. They asked how Bug was doing and I told them that, phew, she is all over the place. She is now turning into quite the bossy one too. Jane just laughed and I told her that it has turned into a battle of wills now with who is right. Damn it, let me win once in a while! Jane laughed some more and said, "Your having mommy tantrums. I had them too because someone is going to win and it better be me!"
What a way to describe it! I am not a control freak (OK, maybe a little) and I will admit when I am wrong (most of the time) but when it comes to getting out from under a table at a restaurant... I AM RIGHT!!
Anyway, I will have my mommy tantrums, little suborn one, but understand this... I will win... most of the time (I hope).

Always availble...

The last few days I have been dealing with Bug and her ear infection. Talk about a touchy two and a half year old!! Yesterday we stayed home from school/work because of her fever and our lack of sleep. As anyone who has ever had a child with and ear infection... it means no sleep!!!
Anyway, when we got up yesterday and got moving she wanted to talk to her daddy and her grandma. No problem! So at a few minutes before seven, with my cell phone on speaker phone, I dialed the X. Ring, ring, ring, ring... then that automated female voice, you know the one. She left him a message, "Daddy, I don't feel good." in the most pathetic sounding voice ever. She was disappointed though. Then we called grandma. She was on her way to work and they talked about feeling sick, and hugs and kisses. Bug brightened up as much as she could.
I figured maybe X was in the shower or had the radio loud on the car ride to work and would notice the call or get the message and call back. No such luck. I got a text around 1 and this was the exchange...
X-How is she feeling?
MB- Depends on whether the Tylenol is working or not. Now... OK. She wanted to talk to you this am, that's why I called.
X-I know. My phone goes nuts sometimes. I want her to know she can call me whenever.
MB- No response... did I even need to give one?
Then he called around 5:00 to check on her. She was taking a nap. He said that his mom told him how she sounded and he hopes she feels better. If she wants to talk to him, she can call.
Now, I am not going to bring me into this but if your child calls you and leaves you a message like that wouldn't you call asap to see how they are doing? OK, say his phone really was screwy, what about all of the other times she calls and his phone just doesn't ring? It happens more often than not. And how unfortunate is that? So really X, you aren't that available. You are right, she can call you whenever, but there is a good chance you won't answer the phone.

My overachiever....

I got the word the other morning that Bug is moving up to the 3year old room (her 3rd birthday isn't till October)! Way to go Bug! They feel like she is ready verbally and she potty trained outstanding! I always knew that she was exceptional and gifted (don't worry, I am rolling my eyes at myself as I type this!) but now there is proof!! Way to go Bug!!!

I've still got it, the crazies I mean...

Here is my latest craziness at work... Just recently I was invited to join an online social networking site for my collegiate alma mater. No problem, actually, seem like fun. At this point in my life I am ready to get back in touch with some of my old chums. So I sign up, set up my page, write my profile and now I am off searching through folks from my past. Now this was last Friday, just before the long holiday weekend. 4pm strikes and I am off for a fun weekend with E. By about noon on Saturday it occurs to me that I hate my profile! I have said that I was married and now seperated and all but declared that I am living with my family... That will NOT do!! You see there are friends on that site, there are also "friends", ex boyfriends, friends of my X, and maybe even the X himself. Crap! What have I done? 2 1/2 days till I can fix this one.
You see, I am not a loser and I sure don't want to be defined by this glitch in my relationship status. Damn it! This profile is about me!!
First thing Tuesday morning I type and retype my profile. I outline my career path, my moves, and E's birth. I even pat myself on the back a bit and put my current job title which sounds kinda imporntant... Lead Inorganic Chemist. I have my full name with my maiden name in parenthesis and list my status as: Single. No mention of him! Then I do what any normal and insane woman would do... I post only the most adorable photos of E (especially the ones where she looks more like me than him) and a few of myself with E and friends where I am at the hight of my weight loss from the divorce and I look pretty good! Damn it I will make this seperation work for me in more ways than one!! Happy with the outcome I save my changes and now I check it almost as often as I check my email... I know, pathetic, but oh well!
Anyway to sum it up... Yes I am still neurotic since the split up. However, I am getting better! Lets face it, this was like a high school reunion (OMG, my 15 year is coming up soon, UGH!) just online. I got to see fat exs and old friends I lost touch with... bittersweet. Next thing I just have to get a few more pictures looking fabulous... just in case!

For more than just a good time...

So I was looking around MSN and found this awesome list for odd uses for Vodka. Hmm? Well, I check it out! I found all of these uses for the clear college standby. Check these out...

Cleans mildew in your bathroom.
A few drops in your vase with some sugar will help to keep your cut flowers fresh longer.
Pour on affected area (of skin) after rolling in poison ivy to prevent allergic reaction.
Pour on jellyfish sting to ease pain.
Swish in mouth to disinfect and ease pain of a tooth ache.
Spritz on laundry and let dry to remove odor in clothing (remember it dries without any odor) if you can't get to wash it.
Add lavander to bottle or jar and fill with vodka, cap, and steep in the sun... room or body spray, see above... watch out Fabreeze!

Ao much more than just a social lubricant! Who would have thought!

This one was not listed but I do this every summer! Not only is it clever but it is a huge $$ saver! In a fifth of high proof vodka add 2-4 vanilla beans that have been split in half length wise, cap, and store in cabinet. In 3-6 months you will have a fifth of vanilla extract, a hell of a lot cheaper than those 4oz bottles for $6.99 each at the grocery store and will last longer too. I will make it in time to use for all of my christmas baking.

WTF Super Nanny...

Here it is, one of my guilty pleasures... Wife Swap. I can't help it, I love it! But lucky for you that is not what I am writing about today, today it is about the show right after... Super Nanny. Now normally I wouldn't watch a show like this but lets face it... it is always a train wreck and it makes you feel a million times better about anything you do as a parent! And sometimes, just sometimes, someone else's failures can make you feel better. Are you a parent? Do you need an ego boost? More cowbell won't help here, watch Super Nanny instead!
Usually when I watch I get that "Phew, thank God, thats not me" sense of relief but, oh no, not this week. The mother of a two year old didn't know her daughter's favorite book and Jo nailed her on it. She said that every toddler has a few favorite books and you don't pay enough attention to your child to even know what hers might be!
OMG! You know what it is like (and if you don't, play along)... get home hopefully by 5:30 and that is of there is no traffic, fix dinner, bathtime, actually talk and get them into bed by hopefully 7:30. Well now add your well intentioned family all up in your stuff to that routine along with the proven knowelage that if you go more than one day in a row with a bedtime of 8pm you will have a little bitch on your hands for the next three days and last night... you had to stop at the store on your way home pushing everything back a half an hour so last night way your 8pm free pass for the week. Needless to say, books are kept for the weekends. It is sad to say but it is true!
Now lets talk about the guilt trip I had after hearing that damn Super Nanny, I say screw you and your british accent! 99.9% percent of what you say are right on but this, Super Nanny, is where I put my foot down. I talk with my Bug, we eat together most of the time, we play together, but damn it! reading a story before bed does not make me a bad mom!! (Granted the woman she was talking to was leting her 2yr old eat spray cheese and crackers to go to bed and rest assured... NEVER in my house!)
So, maybe I am a little sensitive these days, but the next night I told Bug to pick out a book for bedtime. And as luck would have it... she picked out her stand-by... Who's Tail Is It, Peter Rabbit? The one she always picked out before we moved and we read it twice. Maybe I over reacted but I did know her favorit book and now I will try to find an extra 5-10 minutes in my day for stories.
PS- If you have a spare few minutes pass them over this way, please?

As I leave you from my rant... Enjoy some Flight of the Conchords

A Mother's Day thought...

A friend of mine sent this to me and instead of forwarding it, I think that this is the perfect place... Enjoy, it is so true!

Mothers...

This is for the mothers who have sat up all night with sick toddlers in their arms, wiping up barf laced with Oscar Mayer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying, 'It's okay honey, Mommy's here.'
Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end soothing crying babies who can't be comforted.
This is for all the mothers who show up at work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purse.
For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes. And all the mothers who DON'T.
This for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see. And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.
This is for the mothers whose priceless art collections are hanging on their refrigerator doors.
And for all the mothers who froze their buns on metal bleachers at football or soccer games instead of watching from the warmth of their cars.
And that when their kids asked, 'Did you see me, Mom?' they could say, 'Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world,' and mean it.
This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids in the grocery store and swat them in despair when they stomp their feet and scream for ice cream before dinner. And for all the mothers who count to ten instead, but realize how child abuse happens.
This is for all the mothers who go hungry, so their children can eat.
For all the mothers who read 'Goodnight, Moon' twice a night for a year. And then read it again. 'Just one more time.'
This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie their shoelaces before they started school. And for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead.
This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.
This is for every mother whose head turns automatically when a little voice calls 'Mom?' in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home -- or even away at college ~or have their own families.
This is for all the mothers who sent their kids to school with stomach aches, assuring them they'd be just FINE once they got there, only to get calls from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up. Right away.
This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, who can't find the words to reach them.
For all the mothers who bite their lips until they bleed when their 14 year olds dye their hair green.
For all the mothers of the victims of recent school shootings, and the mothers of those who did the shooting.
For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from school, safely.
This is for all the mothers who taught their children to be peaceful, and now pray they come home safely from a war.
What makes a good Mother anyway?
Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips?
The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time?
Or is it in her heart?
Is it the ache you feel when you watch your son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time?
The jolt that takes you from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2 A.M. to put your hand on the back of a sleeping baby?
The panic, years later, that comes again at 2 A.M. when you just want to hear their key in the door and know they are safe again in your home?
Or the need to flee from wherever you are and hug your child when you hear news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?
The emotions of motherhood are universal and so our thoughts are for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation... And mature mothers learning to let go.
For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers.
Single mothers and married mothers.
Mothers with money, mothers without.
This is for you all. For all of us...Hang in there.
In the end we can only do the best we can. Tell them every day that we love them. And pray and never stop being a mom..
'Home is what catches you when you fall - and we all fall.'

Ted and Stella...

Last night I sat down and watched one of the only shows I watch on a regular basis... How I Met Your Mother. I can't help it, I just really like that show! That crazy Barney, sweet Ted, horney Lilly, and dopey Marshall, and don't get me started on the fact that Robin was a pop-tart in Canada... Genius! Anyway, I love those characters and I love the newest one of them all... Stella. She is played by Sarah Chalke (also Elliott Reed from Scrubs), and is a single mom with a 6 year old daughter that just started dating Ted, well 2 months into it. I think the reason I lke her character so much is because it hits so close to home.
Last night we find out that she and Ted haven't slept together yet (2 months) but also that she hasn't had sex in 5 years! Side note... Not that long for me. Also that Ted hasn't met her daughter either. She hit the dail on the head... It all comes down to trust. It wasn't that she couldn't trust Ted, but she was afraid of getting hurt again. By the end of the show they close the deal but first she introduced Ted to her daughter. Lets face it... it is a sitcom, of course it would all work out!
Anyway, that brings me to my point... I have to confess something. I have trust and committment issues. But then again, who wouldn't in my shoes, right? Should I buy or rent? That is my big quesion now. I don't know if I want to committ to a house right now... what will happen in a few years. What about the bills that go with it? The repairs and yard work. I have a million what ifs and lets face it I may not be just talking about a house! I will get through these issues but for now I have my fence up and hopefully one day like Stella, I will meet my Ted.
PS- He better not screw this up or else I am never watching this show again!

New old friends...

So, this weekend I took Bug down to the local spring festival. It was a beautiful day once the clouds went away. We shared a gyro, got her face (actually hand) painted, looked at toys, balloons, books, and clothes. We listened to music and even watched ballerinas. Once she was getting antsy in the stroller (I laid down the rules before we got there) we were off to the kiddie area... there were rumors of inflatable gyms and a petting zoo!
We petted the goats and rabbits, listened to a donkey "Hee-Haw", and even rode on a pony... exciting times. Then, next stop... the inflatable playground to give her the final 1-2 knock out to seal the deal for nap time. Don't worry, this isn't about the inflatable playground (my mind drifts... imagine what an adult one would be like... insert devilish smirk then return to reality). Bug is running around like a crazy woman high on life and I am attempting to keep up with her. While she is on one of the bouncers I notice a woman and a man standing close by and they look really familliar. And this time I take a chance (read earlier post about the gym), "Excuse me? Are you Whitney?" "MB?" "OMG! How are you...." And you can figure out the rest. But I had run into a girlfriend of mine from high school and the last time I saw her it was post college years and pre marriage years... for both of us!
Well we chit chatted and come to find out we both have kids the same age and we are both seperated. She has six months under her belt to my year. Here is the funny thing... she is seeing the same guy from high school. Whats so funny about that, right? Well, I lost my virginity in his grandparents house the night of my boyfriend's Junior Prom. That is what was so funny! Talk about a trip down memory lane.
Anyway, I met up with her and some others that night and had a blast! We laughed about the old times and caught up some on the the time in between. She toasted to nNew Friends, I had to correct her... "Here's to New Old Friends!" Life is funny that way.

Gym adventures....

So yesterday was my return to the gym after my 6+ week sebatical, I say 6+ because I don't even want to admit to myself just how long it has been. I have had my excuses, I mean reasons, as to why I haven't gone (house, weather, sicknesses, work, etc.) but lets face it... I didn't want to and it didn't take all that much convincing!
Anyway, so back to yesterday... my excuses had run out, and even though it was raining, I went. It was like a walk of shame, I hadn't seen any of these people in months, I mean weeks and then I had to put on my dreaded workout clothes. Now you have to see this was one of my main motivating factors... I feel like I am getting fluffy and I will not stand for it!! So, back to the gym... I change and almost break a sweat. It is so humid in there I already feel gross! This isn't going to be pretty! I will be sweating like a whore in church in under two minutes I just know it!
I walk into the gym and pick my poison... the black oliptical that backs up to the window, not the mirror. There I can see everyone in the gym and no one can see my ass bouncing away and the only negative is that the only shows on are The People's Court, ESPN, and the music video channel but I can handle it.
Three and a half minutes into my "workout" I spot a familiar face. No, I say to myself... not a chance. I keep chugging along. Then it hits me... Holy Shit! I think it is the bartender/ teacher, Son of a b...!! Now, not only am I highly out of shape but now I have to keep going... I can't stop, it is may pride on the line and if that really is him... he is looking a little fluffy (fluffier than I feel and much more than I remember... good for him for getting to the gym)!!! I resort to the stripper music on the iPod to keep me going... this isn't going to go well. Focus MB, FOCUS!! 18min into it "Hot gym guy" walks in. Ok, that is a good distraction! I keep going but I can feel the burn!! Thank God no one can hear the things going on in my head, then everyone would know just how crazy I am! PEDAL BACKWARD flashes on the oliptical... Ok, reverse it and I get back into the groove. George Michael's "Freedom" comes on the video channel. I switch my headphones and I am jammin out. If I was alone I would have been totally rockin' it! Did I mention the ammount of eye candy there yesterday? Apparently spring brings out the best... a couple of crew cuts and fine arms where were they all winter, and also all of those pretty co-eds, ugh, nicely tanned and perfect hair who only wear lip gloss... you wait till you are older, looks will only take you so far! Sorry, bitter detour! Anyway, I take a sip of water at the same time loosing my groove and almost bust ass. It is official... I will never be smooth or cool, why me?? Finally I am done, time to head upstairs to kill myself with crunches. I avoid the bartender... he is tuned into his tunes, I wouldn't want to disturb him.
I go upstairs and realize, I am about to die. I casually look down and notice that the bartender is walking out. Thank God, I can leave and take my out of shape, sweaty self home. No, no, NO!! Here he come up the steps. UGH! Back to it MB! I resort to stretching, it is the closest thing to laying down I can handle and there is an old man hogging the sit-up bench. Now on to leg lifts and then I am done! I fufilled my duties and I am done. I grab my stuff and go!
On my way to go and pick up Bug, I actually feel bad for not saying anything to the bartender. At least a friendly hey would have been nice. Lets face it I may be a lot of things but rude is not (mainly) one of them.
Fastforward to later that night... I do (one of) the most impersonal things... I text the bartender. "Hey stranger! Odd question, were you @ Merritt today? I wasn't sure if it was you or I would've said hey!" And he replies... "Good to hear from you. Nope, that would have been really embarrassing!" No shit, it would have been and all that over nothing! Oh well, such is my life!
A buddy of mine said it once... "Why is it that the things you think you hear are always funnier than what it really was?" Well here is my twist... Why is it the things you think you see are always crazier than what they really are?

The "money pit" is gone...

It is official... We have sold the house and I am thrilled!
No more mortgage on an empty house.
No more whining from the ex about having to take care of basic up keeping. No more stamps to pay the mortgage on a house that is empty.
No more feedback responses from the Realtor and excuses as to why someone doesn't like my house.
No more updates from the neighbors as to how bad the yard looks because the ex can't get up off of his lazy ass to do his part.
No more of the minister in my house.
No more guilt trips from the ex's dad about everything he has put into the house (point of clarification... I always paid my half, take that point up with your son!).
No more paying security, water, electricity, or gas bills on an empty house.
No more going broke and trying to stay out of foreclosure because of the crappiest loan in the world (that was given to us by a "friend of the family", I'm just saying).
No more any of it!!
So, here is when I say it: Good bye 4902, it was fun while it lasted!

Tongue tied...

Driving in the car today and Bug and I were talking about playgrounds. She (and I) are very happy that it is finally warm enough to play outside. Anyway, we are on our way back to school and she is talking about playing on the playground this afternoon and this is how that conversation went...

"You come play at playground Mommy?"
"No, I have to go back to work."
"You have a playground at work?"
"No, I have instruments at work. There is no room for a playground there but I sure wish I did!"
"I no have impotents, I have a playground."

And yes, you did read that right! Bug has a Snow Wipe and no impotents... Lucky girl!

Spring is in the air...

I just read an article in the local paper about the Rules of Spring. Well, I was inspired not only because I have been a slacker, or because of the warmer temps, but because everything is in full bloom! Whats not to love about the spring? Ok, allergies and pollen, I'll give you that but that is it!! Anyway, here are some of my own Rules of Spring...

You have the right to...
-take a sick day because you are just sick of being inside!
-leave work early to go to a concert or ball game.
-put those winter coats and clothes away, and then complain about it in two weeks when you need them on one freak day.
-wear flip-flops again (with freshly painted toenails of course)
-lay in the grass and look at the clouds
-sit on the back porch after work and crack open a cold one
-have cook-outs again
-go for a walk
-take a long lunch, outside
-open up your windows
-daydream
-walk barefoot in the grass
-find some Def Leppard on the radio, turn it way up, wind the windows down and sing at the top of your lungs... I did it yesterday at lunch, AWESOME!

Anyway, it is spring and you have the right to enjoy it!!

Driving Miss Daisy...

So Bug has developed a fun new habit of being quite the "backseat driver". While driving to work/ school the other morning I hear from the backseat, "Drive with two hands, Mommy." Well, it amused me and I really didn't think too much of it until the other night while my dad was driving Bug and I to the doctor (Monday's dog bite) she is wailing in the backseat then between sobs, "Papoo, drive with two hands." My dad, a little confused, asks what she said. I respond, "Dad, she wants you to drive with two hands. Put two hands on the steering wheel." Now what do you say to that? Nothing!
I am still trying to figure out where she came up with that one! And anyway, there is nothing like having a 2 1/2 year old backseat driver in the car with you, I can hardly wait till she is 10!

Not as bad as it seems...

So, what started out as a bad week has blossomed into a not so bad one all together!! Here I will give you the rundown...
Sunday... in bed way too late, this isn't going to be good!
Monday... Wake up an hour late and run late all day long. That night, right before bath, Bug gets bit by my parents dog and end up at the Patient First that night (no worries, she is ok but very much the drama queen!) and it is late to bed again!
Tuesday... Over sleep again, same story as Monday. My dog has a seizure as I walk in the door from work, wtf? This has never happen before!
Wednesday... To the vet for tests and have to wait for results till the next day. Also I have to "obtain a stool sample", ugh! Deal with FedEx and paperwork... details I won't go into!
Thursday... Drop samples off then get held up at the vet to wait for results (really late for work) Good news... all tests came up clear, still don't know what it may be but no major organ issues. After work I have to run and get a birthday gift for Dad (happy 60th) and go home and fix dinner (yummy). Dad got a job offer, Yea! At bedtime, I even got big hugs and an I Love You from my stingy Bug!
Friday... For the first time this week I got out of the house before 8am. Got my performance test results... I passed all of them, way to go me!! Tonight I am going out with my cous to celebrate her birthday, should be fun!
What a welcome turn around!

Time heals....

Sorry it has been a while, been busy at work, at home, in my head. Lots going on. I had some peace this weekend but I will get to that later.
Where to begin, hmm, well I will just start here. I was rather unsettled last week. A friend of mine misread my friendship and now maybe ruined it. I won't get into the details but it was childish and he is giving me no space to breath. I can't handle that... I need my space. We will see what happens.
On the other hand, I have made a new friend. I will leave it at that, there is nothing more to say but he is funny and I smile when I hear from him.
There was some 'activity' in a rather stag net area of my life lately. Get your mind out of the gutter!! I am being vague here on purpose, you know what they say about all of your eggs in one basket. This would help to turn a page in my life but one thing I read recently was "if you want to really know someone then get a divorce". What a brilliant and insightful person. It wasn't through marriage that I grew to know who my ex and his family really were, it was this past year when their true colors shone through. I am not talking about the ex here but his father. I won't go any further but, I will leave you with this... always listen to that 'feeling' inside that talks to you, it doesn't lie.
I have been doing a little looking inside recently. I know that there are some changes that I need to make. And yes, I did just wake up one day and decide this, actually, I went to bed and thought of this. But I did tell myself that it doesn't happen all at once and it is ok to take one step back every once in a while, I am only human. At church on Sunday they started a series on taking care of and healing your heart. And as hard as it was to pay attention with an antsy toddler the sermon really struck a chord. I won't go into the details but there was one specific thing that the priest said... "One will say, 'I am cynical, distant, and sarcastic because I have been hurt so bad. That is why I am the way I am. You would be too if you walked in my shoes.' And the other person will respond, 'I see, but how long will it take you to get over it' hand them a calendar 'when will you stop hurting and start healing. In a week, in a month, in a year? When you are healing you will have no reason to be that way.'"
Well, it has been over a year, to be honest, I don't know how long I have been hurting but I am trying to heal. I want don't want to have arguments and conversations in my head because I am afraid to have them out loud. I don't want to use slander as a way to make myself feel better. I don't even want to think that way anymore.
I was driving to a friends house the other day and Bug was napping in the back, as C said... a Calgon moment, and I was listening to the radio and was thinking healing my heart. A song came on the radio, Stealing Cinderella, and I just cried. I wasn't sad, I was so happy. I looked at the angel in my rear view mirror sleeping so peacefully and I had that same feeling I did a little over two years ago when I held her as an infant. I was overwhelmed, it was amazing. Later that night on my home... I turned the radio down just to listen to her exhausted little snores. How lucky am I?
Time heals you just have to be ready for it, right?

Big beds....

Today is the day and I am a little nervous! Strike that... A LOT NERVOUS! Tonight is Bug's first night in her new big-girl bed. I know it is a tough decision for every parent but this is huge! I know she is ready but I am not... I'd better et used to that, I have a feeling that is how the rest of our lives will be.... She is ready and I am not! School, boys, driving, sleep-overs, even visits to her dad's without me.... Aaagghh! I am about to have a panic attack! Don't laugh, I am not kidding!
I know this is normal for me to feel like this, one less thing that I have control over. But I really like those four rails that hold her safely in her bed... all night long!! Did I mention that I am sharing a bedroom with her now? After work today, I get to go home and reorganize the bedroom (that is the size of a large shoe box) so it will safely contain the both of us. Here are just a few of my fears, in no particular order...
-I am terrified that she will crawl into bed with me, scare me and I will throw her onto the floor.
-I will wake up to find her staring at me and I will scream and scare her.
-She will poke me in the eye and I be startled awake and hit her in the face.
-She will get up in the middle of the night and hang herself on a belt I forgot to put away.
-The dog will jump up on her bed and wake her up, she will scream and wake me up and I will pee in the bed.
-She will climb out of bed in the middle of the night, play, then fall asleep on the floor. I will get up to go to the bathroom and step on her.
-I will be worried about all of the above possibilities and lay in bed and watch her sleep all night.
Those are just a few of my fears but did you notice that all of them involved bodily harm and NO SLEEP! I will keep you updated but I think that this will be a long weekend!!

Good Friday...

So, here it is, Good Friday, and not the one that went down in history (not the big one but my history). A few posts ago I mentioned just how fantastic (please note the sarcasm) last Easter was. Well, Good Friday was the climax of it all. The day that will go down in my history that I found out my husband was in love with a minister from Charlotte and MySpace told me so! So, my friends will post about Easter savings, play dates, and candy and I will post about this. Not that this is any more or less important but it is what is going on with me.
But you know what, that was a year ago and I am not sad anymore. I can't lie, I am still a little hurt and even a little angry. My life has been a whirlwind in the past year. Bug is one year older (so am I but we won't talk about that), we live in a new city, and I have a new job. I have made some new friends and even made friends with people I have know my entire life. I have even dated and kissed a few frogs. I still have some of my bad habits but I have got some new good ones too. I choose not to think if today negatively, you know, the day it ended. Because, lets face it, one thing ended but a million things started!!
Easter is about being reborn, if you don't believe me , look it up in the bible! Spring is new, refreshing, and changing... what is not to be happy about?? And here it is... Good Friday, a very Good Friday!

The persuit of happiness...

So, I was pondering, actually, lets face it, racking my brain trying to figure out what to write about today! I was on CNN today and after reading that Spitzer's call girl was tied to Girls Gone Wild, Ooh, shocking, I know. Then I came across another article... Awaken Your Joy. I had a few minutes so I started to read then it hit me... today's topic... Happiness and Joy. To often I get bogged down focusing on the negatives and dwelling on the bad things that my days become ho-hum. Well, I say, "Not today, it may be raining outside but it's not going to bring me down!"
So, here is my list of things that made me happy so far today:

Bug not falling out of the crib
Not needing to hit the snooze button
Carrying Bug into the den first thing and snuggling with her before the day starts
Having a busy day ahead of me
Those thoughts only you know that make you smile
Seeing Bug walk around this morning in her unzipped footed pjs w/ one foot out
Snuggling with the dog before getting out of bed
Funny emails
Civil emails with my ex
Black bean pizza for breakfast
Singing "5 Little Monkeys" in the car by request
Not being the crazy "my child needs to stay clean" mom
Being asked if I watched the play-in game last night
... and being able to answer, "Yes"
Every time my phone vibrates... get your minds out of the gutter!
Friends... new and old
Black bean pizza for lunch (two pieces total)
My instrument working well
Daydreaming

And you know what... its only mid-afternoon. I am having a pretty good day!

Happy St. Paddy's Day...

So, my day started off stellar... First off... It is Monday morning and I woke up with the residuals of a migraine. Then Bug fell out of the crib and now has a goose-egg on her head, just in time for the Easter photos. Fantastic! Looks like we will be shopping for a big-girl bed this weekend. Any tips? And yes, we will be going for the toddler size, we do have limited space!
Later, I took her to the doctor. I pulled a tick out of her ear the other day and now it is red, I got a little worried, can you blame me? Also, she has had this diaper rash for a while and it is pretty bad so since I was there I mentioned it. As it turns out, nothing to worry about with the ear but she has strep in her hiney... go figure! Don't worry, I've never heard about that either. So now I have an antibiotic and a cream for her ass!
Looks like the Luck-o-the-Irish has not been with me today but tonight I will toast with a pint of Guinness and hope for better days ahead! Happy St. Patrick's Day to you, be safe!!

The smell of a man...

What is it about a good smelling man, especially one that is put together and smelling awesome. Not overwhelming or overpowering, it has to be subtle. You know, stand close to smell him or a faint linger as he walks past. I know this seems like a senseless post, but hey I have been thinking a lot about this lately. Actually they say that sent is connected to more memories than any visuals. Pretty amazing, talk about body chemistry.
This is why sent has been on my mind... 1- I was hanging out with a friend recently and this guy leans in to talk to me and yum! I don't think I heard all of what said but wow! I won't forget him any time soon. 2- I am at the bagel shop this morning and the guy next to me... Well, I will just say... Better than the bagels!
Here is where I say thanks to the person who created cologne. I appreciate you (and so do my hormones)! You have made men much easier on the nose, thanks!

Well, I am back...

And I am about as unscathed as possible! Lets face it, going into the battle fields, I knew ahead of time that I would come out with at least a few bumps and bruises.
Bug was so happy to see her grandparents and she squealed with delight when she saw her daddy when she saw him waiting for her. It was really hard but I managed to put my cynical self on the shelf, I didn't even roll my eyes once (ok, probably a few times, but it was by accident, I promise). I just kept reminding myself that this trip was for her.
The Ex
Well, he is larger than ever... for real! I would venture to say he was puffier than I was in my post delivery pictures... Now that is puffy! He pretty much did as he pleased and was rather hands off with her. I know that he is not used to be around her but he wanted me to wipe her butt for her. I looked at him and said, "Just ask her to touch her toes, it makes it easier." I did find out that he and the minister are still together. And apparently he has got a pretty free ride. They are living together and he is having enough of a time making our mortgage payments. Oh well, that is her problem to deal with. Speaking of her... Not only is she a minister that screws other people's husbands, but she drinks like a fish from what I understand. And in her denomination those Southern Ba... frown upon that! Still, that didn't ruin my weekend (kinda funny actually) what really went all over me was his complete disregard for anything I said. An udder lack of respect! For example... naps and lunch two hours late but this one was the icing on the cake... She wasn't eating all that great one day and we were talking about that. I said, "How about this, after nap, let's give her a small snack then give her a good dinner early, around 5. She will be hungry and that way she won't be so picky and she will eat some veggies." I get a blank stare and "ok". The two of them go out to the mall and Target and when they come back she is running around and won't sit down and by now it is over 4 hours since snack time, I will mention here that she also had a new Tinkerbell dress and a new Princess Arora doll. I ask her if she is hungry and she says no. I ask him if they ate anything while they were out and I then find out that yes she had a large sugar cookie of her own, then half of his, and washed it down with a Coke Icee. I tried to maintain my composure, said ok, walked upstairs and cried. And that was what my weekend was with him! The SOB is now the "fun" parent who is uninvolved and buys his daughter's love. Awesome!
The un-in-laws
Not so bad here. I knew it would happen eventually but this weekend I just didn't belong. I am now on the outside. I suppose I didn't make it better because I tried to stay as busy as possible while I was there. But even on outings the conversation lulled just a bit. I didn't let it get me down but I did say something once when his mom brought some things up. I just told her that I don't fit in any more, I am on the outside. And now no one knows quite what to say to me after they ask about my job and my family. His mom and I were having one of our heart-to-hearts one night and I finally started to tell her some of the details not only of the break-up but of the break-down of my marriage, I know it was hard for her to hear but she needed to hear it as much as I needed to say it. She said there is a little part of her that wants us back together and she asked if it would ever happen. I just said no.
The extended family
His brother and sister-in-law came over about every day to visit and see Bug. I found out that they are, actually she, is pregnant... 12 weeks to be exact. Good for them! I know that they were worried and expecting it to be hard for them to conceive. However, for me it is bittersweet. I was just telling a friend of mine last week that that is one of those hard things I am trying to come to terms with... Bug will most likely be my one and only. And that is pretty hard for me to be ok with. Now don't get me wrong, I am happy for them and my other friends that are expecting but it is just a reminder of my own situation.
His aunt and uncle were in town also and that was nice but it kind of went along with what I was saying about not fitting in. Oh well, not much I can do now.
My other fun
I was able to see my old work pals and neighbor friends. I had fun painting the town red and playing till the wee hours in the morning (damn that time change). I realized, you know it is a good friend when it only takes ten minutes to feel like nothing ever changed and no time has passed! I really had fun! A redneck Grateful Dead cover band in a smoky bar, a radio station, fried anchovies (yummy) and jealous bitches (ha!), gentleman ranchers, My Super Sweet 16 and possible rehab, Russian rock, Gregorio the goat, dance party, wine, waking a husband up with the heat, and seeing that my house isn't my home anymore .
My favorite part
Aside from seeing my friends, which was stellar! Every morning Bug would wake me up and we would cuddle up in my bed. Not much of a change from home but we had a bigger bed and no reason to get up, we were on vacation! We would talk, snooze, and tickle. That was the best! That was our time and no one else's!! That is what I get for not being the fun parent, for not buying her love. That is what I get for being involved and loving her every day with my heart. Even after three hours of sleep, that was my favorite part.
Would I do it again... of course, for her and for me. I would take those tears and awkwardness again because the good times really wiped it away. That and I know that it gets better with time.

Don't miss me too much...

I will be back next week with what I am sure will be fantastic stories!! I am leaving this afternoon to take Bug to see her Dad and grandparents. It should definatly be an adventure starting with the airplane ride with a 2 1/2 year old then staying with the ex-in-laws. On a good note... the ex has been on steroids for a few months and should more bloated than I was in the photos right after giving birth... I can't wait! Wish me luck and I will see you soon!

Dancing in the stars...

It is official...1- there is too much princess time in our house and 2- Bug is more of a girlie-girl than I ever have been... Ever! The other day my parents were watching Bug while I went to a baby shower and when I got home this is the story I was told...
Bug and Grandpa were watching Cinderella and when the ballroom scene came up she started dancing along (no surprise here) then she asked Grandpa to join her. Being a good sport he played right along. Then she said, "Grandpa pick me up and dance." He did and they were gliding around the family room. He and my Mom noticed that using her free hand, Bug had lifted the hem of her dress while they danced... just like Cinderella. When the real Cinderella and Prince Charming finished dancing and walked to the pond Bug made Grandpa stop and grabbed his hand and led him into the living room, through the dining room, and back to the family room. They sat down and finished their movie.
I only wish I had been there to see it myself!

My crazy family...

All I am saying is that I sincerely hope that this apple fell a little further from the tree than most, or at least on the other side of the tree... let me explain...
The other evening at tinner with my parents we were discussing plans for Easter. Then my folks started remembering plans from years past.
"I can't remember, what did we do last year?" one said.
"Hmm, I don't remember." responded the other.
"You came down to my house last year, remember? Your last minute vacation?" I interjected with a sarcastic and flat tone while I remembered what will go down as "the worst Easter weekend" to date. It was Good Friday I discovered my ex's "other activities", Great Freaking Friday! Anyway, back to the story...
"Oh yeah, that was a really nice weekend." said my mother.
(with a quizzical look on my face...) "No, it wasn't" I respond.
"It was, Bug had a nice Easter egg hunt and we had a nice dinner, what did we have again?" replied my mother (are you asking yourself "Is this woman high?" because I was at this point)
"No, it sucked, it was really horrible" I say getting a little defensive.
"Really? I thought it was nice."
Cross eyed I just changed the subject. And this is what I get to deal with on a regular basis. Please tell me that my apple fell on my father's side of the tree, I am begging you!

Green clean...

So, I was cruizin' on the net today and was doing a little research on the chemicals we use in our homes. I didn't realize just how many there are and even more... how many we can change. You can go a lot more natural with a little knowledge and creativity! Here is some of what I found...
Baking soda- whitens teeth, freshens breath, exfoliates, removes scuff marks, cleans dishes and pans, deodorizes, boosts soap and detergents (aka: more bang for your buck), dry baths for pets, and the list goes on! (also check out Arm & Hammer's website)
Hydrogen peroxide- disinfects kitchens and bathrooms, oral rinse, glass cleaner, and produce wash
Peteroleum jelly (aka- Vaseline)- Ha, Ha, get your mind out of the gutter (ok, that is one use) but seriously I use it as a facial moisturizer, prevents diaper rash, household lubricant, polish, makeup remover, and more!
Looks to me that you can remove a ton of those single purpose and use these instead. Also, did you notice... Nothing Toxic!! Safe for everyone in your house!! So, just add these to a bin with your duct tape and super glue and you can do anything in your house!!

Pain in the....

Head. I will tell you, I suffer from migraine headaches and it suck the big one!!! I am talking the ones that come with spots and nausea... the big dogs of headaches! They go away then they come back and you never know when they are coming. Some days I wake up and I just know that sometime today it will hit, I just know it! I have been to the doctor about it and I research it. And triggers? Ha, try to figure that one out. One day it is the sun glare, another day it is my sinuses, and yet another it is nothing at all... no answers there!
Well, I got knocked on my butt yesterday with another one and this time it was the second day in a row. I have had it, I am taking matters into my own hands. I am a single mom and I can't let this get me down. I hate prescriptions and my new one I tried the day before did nothing at all. So here was my plan... Excedrin migraine to take the edge off (worked better than the prescription) and then I was off to the gym to sweat it away. Guess what... it worked!! Now it didn't keep it 100% away but I would say I only felt about 1o% of it. I was pretty impressed!
So here is what I am thinking... maybe it was the release of endorphins and increased oxygen from the work out mixed with the aspirin and caffeine from the Excedrin that kept my headache at bay? If that is the case... you think sex would be better than the treadmill? I am just saying, it would be for medicinal purposes!

Train-a-mate...

A friend of mine e-mailed me a story of interest... Love Tips From Animal Trainers. Interesting! You should take a look. After reading this article it really opened my eyes. Positive reinforcement works! We all know it but do we really use it?
I don't, not all of the time, I can admit it. And, as you know... I don't have a mate either. But I do have a toddler, can you see where I am going with this?
Well, we are working on potty training right now but let me catch you up to speed...
Before we moved... Almost 100% there.
Post move... Regression!! Now we are using the potty when she wants to and throws a temper tantrum any other time.
So, I talked to her teacher yesterday to make sure this was an across-the-board behavior... No such luck. "She is usually the one asking to use the potty. She goes in and pulls down her pants, throws her diaper away on her own, and washer her hands without being told." Oh joy!!! Now it is time to rethink this whole potty thing at home. I know from friends and doctors that food is not a good reinforcement (especially M&Ms) and I don't want to do gifts.... Any suggestions?